Oh good, it's a party!

Anyway, back to the surgery. When I found out that I would be getting a boob lopped off, I googled images for 'mastectomy'. I am queen of research. I look into everything and always ask my computer questions and I source information etc. I no longer do this so much. It's sometimes better not to know, I now get that. The first image that my search pulled up horrified me. I actually jumped up outta my chair, gasped, swore, covered my mouth and shielded my face and stepped away from the computer still cursing repeatedly, closed my eyes all squinty-like to click the top right x. Just awful! I was worried about what I would look like after but now I really was scared sh*tless to see that when I looked down at my body! I tried really really really hard not to think about it leading up to the surgery, but that image plagued me for weeks after I glimpsed it.The day of my surgery was pretty interesting. If I had it my way, I would have been there by myself or with just Shawn. That is very very selfish of me and so is this, but I didn't want to make small talk, answer frivolous questions, entertain others; I simply wanted to be in my own head space and quietly go in for my surgery. Others would feel that they would have to take my mind off it or entertain me, but I really just didn't want the hovering. Anyway, again, I was thinking very selfishly. Shawn wouldn't hear of not being with me, I doubt I even mentioned to him that I wanted to go by myself. I told my parents that I didn't want everyone there when I went in, so they weren't going to come for my admission, but I told my dad that they could visit me afterwards which he still decided to interpret as 'we'll meet you at the hospital as you go in for surgery and pace around the hospital all day while you're in surgery and then wait while you're in recovery and come and meet you in your room afterwards.' Truthfully, I knew I'd really want to see my parent's when I got up to my room. I remember being younger and having my tonsils removed and waking up in my hospital room alone after surgery and my parent's were nowhere to be found. The nurse told me she had looked for them but couldn't find them, which upset me as where on earth could they be other than right beside me at this moment? I remember being really groggy and that there was another girl a few years older than me in the bed next to me. I remember repeatedly waking myself up from these gross throat gurgly noises I was making in my sleep as a result of the surgery and I remember hearing the girls friends making fun of me for making these noises when they thought I was still sleeping. That was a miserable experience. It took them a while to come and see me and I remember being really upset in that room alone. The staff were supposed to tell them when I'd left recovery but there had been a miscommunication and they hadn't informed my parents as they'd confused two sets of parents until my mum I think finally demanded to know what on earth was taking so long. I felt so relieved when they walked in, although I'm sure I first chastised them for abandoning me! :)

Anyway, back to this surgery, my thinking beforehand was that Shawn would just call them and they'd meet us there once I was leaving recovery, about five hours after my surgery would start. Why spend the whole day at the hospital doing nothing but waiting? What good would that do? Just meet me there afterwards as there's nothing anyone can do from a waiting room other than go crazy, right? But now, Shawn, mum, dad, Craig are all gonna be there for the whole thing. I'm aggravated. And then Shawn told me his mom would be there for all of it too. I remember being flabbergasted by this. WHY? Again, there's a limit to how much of my journey I want others a part of at certain times and I felt it intrusive that I wasn't getting a choice of who or how I'd be spending those last few moments before going under the knife with. Shawn was annoyed that I was being like this and pointed out that his mom was coming to support him more than anything, and I remember again thinking that that point then defeated the purpose of him being there to support me in the first place if I didn't want others there. Since I'm the one going through this and I'm the one saying I didn't even want Shawn there for that part of the day, and now not only is he not giving me a choice about him coming, I now have to contend with my whole family, boyfriend and his family too? How did it make sense that I was not getting a say in this? That was me then; selfish selfish selfish. Around those days, I was handing out lashings at every turn, I was angry and displacing it wherever I could. I'm sure I still do. Did I really mind that Shawn's mom was coming to support both of us? Was that really the issue? Of course not, that gesture was done simply out of love and care and concern and now I was gonna make her -and Shawn- feel bad about that? Brutal. The truth of it was, I was just scared. But I wanted to be able to embrace those scared feelings and succumb to them if I chose to. I'm not going to let the people that care about me most see me like that if I can help it, as then they just get upset and I end up feeling guilty that I caused that. I didn't want to hear about how you have to let others help, that's wasn't the point. I didn't want to be "on" at that time, I just wanted to sit there in silence and read my book and hold Shawn's hand since he'd be there. Again, in hindsight, thank goodness they were all there! My dad would've been driving the household crazy with waiting, pacing, picking at his fingers which he does when he's nervous, and then would've eventually ended up saying "Okay, let's just go there and wait in her room. Ready? C'mon, let's go. Let's go, hurry up!" Shawn's mom would have had severe anxiety waiting for news from home and worrying about how Shawn was coping and how I was doing and really, the best place for all of them to be was exactly where they all were: in the day surgery waiting area of Centennary, waiting for news of my surgery and waiting to see me.
One freaky thing happened when I was going in for surgery. The 6 of us pile into the little waiting room beyond the waiting room once my name is called, and we're waiting for the nurse to come and prep me for surgery. We were in there for no more than 5 minutes when I got called in. I hugged everyone individually and could no longer hold it together. This is when I cracked. I couldn't stop the tears even though I was willing them to stop and I was so embarassed while walking through the quiet hallway behind the surgery rooms and I think I was snorting a little while walking with the nurse to my room. It's so weird walking in to those rooms, seeing all the machines, the big lights, the tools all lined up and shiny that are gonna be used to cut you open and distort and dissect you, the team of people that are about to see you at your most vulnerable moment. I hopped up on the bed, introduced myself to the 5 people in the room, told them jokingly to make sure they all felt an emotional attachment to me as I wanted extra special care while I was under and wanted my boob to be replaced one day for tiny bikini tops, so make it look good, which got a laugh. As I'm lying down, this is what I hear: "Code Blue, Day Surgery, Code Blue" Again. "Code Blue, Day Surgery, Code Blue" Isn't that where I'm lying? In day surgery? I think it is. The nurse that is currently putting my IV in tuts and mutters "whoa, code blue!" I'm trying not to look frantic and I'm trying nonchalantly to strain my neck so I can look around on the walls for that chart that tells you what the colours codes mean, I'm chastising myself for not memorizing the one I had been staring at in the waiting room, and I can't find the chart and can't sit up to check behind me for it, so my heart is racing, not because I'm worried about me really as I haven't been worked on, they're not talking about me, but more at the reaction of my nurse, and also that 3 of the team about to work on me have now left the room. What's Code Blue? Code Red is the big emergency, isn't it? Anyway, a few minutes later, my team is back and in comes my surgeon, we exchange pleasantries and I ask him to please do a good job. Then my head gets spacey and I think, wait, I'm not ready! and I'm out like a light.