More 'Via Rail' than Frankenstein actually

The unveiling of the boob. I'll admit, I never ended up looking in private, even though that's what I told the nurse I'd do. I was dealing so well with the recovery and the mental game of my amputation that I didn't want that streak to end. I just didn't unwrap it. I knew I'd be going back to the surgeon soon enough for him to look, so I'd just wait until then. When I did go to see him to get my clips (basically staples) and the drains removed, I was preparing myself for the worst. I already thought I knew what it would look like so I was prepared as much as I could be to actually see it. By the way, the drains are so gross, I've walked around for a week with these 2 big plastic 'balls' pinned to the inside of my t-shirt and there are two tubes that are coming out of my body to drain the fluid from my lymph node area. They are 2 vacuum suction things that I have to drain a few times a day and they're gross, but whatever, they don't hurt. The clips are to keep my incision closed. I didn't even know I had clips until I heard them hit the tray next to the table I was lying on as my surgeon removed them. So, as I'm lying on the table, I didn't look down at my chest once as he removed the tubes for the drains and the clips. I asked him how it looked, and he said to see for myself. I had to will myself to finally look at it. "Oh! That's it! It looks good!" In hindsight, I'm so glad I did see that google image of what I thought a mastectomy would look like (see, everything happens for a...) because that is so NOT what it looked like! I'm actually embarassed to admit what image I saw of it. I was in a great mood after I saw it. I figured I'd crumble at that point for sure! I had dealt so well with everything, surely that would be the time for me to break! Ha, not at all! It's so not even a big deal, just a train track scar that goes around that part of my body and ends below my armpit. I'm not being sarcastic, it's really not a big deal. I'm now starting to understand why my surgeon must think I'm nuts. I thought it looked pretty cool! But of course he had no idea what I thought I'd be looking at so again, my reaction in front of him to this was probably perplexing to him and surely confirmed his earlier conclusion regarding my issues with denial. My brother has a similiar but bigger and way longer and way cooler scar wrapping around his body on the lower left side and I always thought it looked really cool. Mine is now a smaller matching version on the right. His is from childhood and had him spending a good portion of his early life in Sick Kids, but that's his story to tell.

Now I'll finally tell you: the google image that was in my mind showed a woman's chest with two huge half moon cut outs of exposed tissue where her boobs used to be, just exposed red skin, not sewn up. It must have been an image from a medical textbook of a surgery that was still happening or something, or what it looks like before it's stitched, but either way, it wasn't what I was looking at. How dumb am I that I even thought this is what I'd see. Maybe that's lifes way of allowing me to cope with the reality of it. If I thought it would look worse than it did, then the actual visual of it will be easier to deal with. It's the universe conspiring to assist me again. This I can deal with no problem! I'm not even really conscious of the scar. I even think sometimes I flash it when I bend down to pick something up, but I simply don't care. I have somewhat learned to not give energy about others feelings or opinions about how I am reacting during this time in my life, it should mean nothing to me. I have my network of people in my life and they are close to me because for the most part we're like-minded people so I am completely at ease when I say the opinions of others are no longer that important to me, unless of course I care about you and then my world will crumble at a negative opinion. But that number is precious few and they know who they are I know who they are and they're reading this with pride, not with any opinion of what I should or should not do, say, think, act, tell. Thanks to them for empowering me with that knowledge. I'll write about my friends another time, but they're great people and I'll give them their credits in another post. :)