My Body is Still Fighting for me even though I don't fight for it...

Here I sit, in the waiting room at Princess Margaret waiting to see Dr. T, my really nice new cancer doctor. It’s pretty crazy that I’ve already gone through a cycle! In 2 days, I’ll have my 2nd chemo administration, which means as of Thursday, I’ll be a third of the way through my whole chemo treatment! (Okay, not really as that would technically be the end of the 2nd treatment, but that's semantics.) A few days ago, I noticed that my hair is now starting to fall out. This upset me a great deal. It was Saturday morning when I started to freak out about that a little. I mean, it’s one thing to know it’s gonna happen, I even shaved my head in anticipation, but actually seeing it falling out is a whole other emotion. Compound that with my ridiculously expanding waistline, I feel really unattractive. That’s hard to deal with when you have a boyfriend who you are immensely attracted to. I know he loves me for who I am, etc (insert whatever you're supposed to say here) but I also know what I look like right now, and that has to be tough on him as well as well as other emotions he's feeling. He's human. I can’t just blame the steroids or the chemo; this is happening because I’m not staying active and I’m overeating. And it's not on whole wheat pasta at dinner, it’s late night junk food like chips, chocolate, candy, etc. I know what to do about it, I’m just not doing it. Same way I knew what to do before cancer and still did nothing.
I am dealing with having cancer relatively well I think, right now at least, so the obvious conclusion is that I’m substituting the emotions of dealing with cancer through emotional eating. I’m not crying excessively or too moody I don't think, I just eat away the pain, which of course doesn’t work as all it’s doing is depressing me that I’m gaining so much weight. I’m guessing that over the summer, I’ve went up 20 lbs. Let’s remember that it was right before I got together with Shawn that I was at my skinniest. SO not only did I gain an extra 20 lbs in the past 2 years, but I’ve just gained another 20ish this summer AND I’m bald! It’s takes a pretty amazing person to love me so unconditionally so Shawn, thanks for making my life with you such a breeze and just know that I hope that on the day I’m tested like you have been, I’ll handle it even half as gracefully as you have. Anyway, the idea is -and if I write this is has to happen in theory- that in a few years, we'll probably get married and I'll worry about all the effects and moving forward after cancer and chemo and radiation and reconstruction and who knows what else when I'm in that phase, which I'm not right now. I have to try and remember that more and give myself a break. I'll work on being a healthy fit active person in time for my wedding so I can walk down the beach feeling really good about myself. That's the goal and I'm writing it so I have to see that through when the time comes. I may decide today to start, but probably not in all reality. Okay, totally sidetracked!

I now sit in the waiting room for Dr. T. The 3 things I gotta remember to ask about are: getting pot prescribed, radiation, just why does everyone tell me to reconsider this form of treatment and if I do get it, can I go to Oshawa instead of here? And can he recommend me for a naturopath or do I just find one on my own? Oh yeah and the pathology of my tumour should be back by now, am I getting hormone therapy after radiation as well?
Okay, so just saw Dr. T, I can’t get pot prescribed (boo!) but he said that if it helps...
He doesn’t 'recommend' naturopathy either (not to say he doesn't see the obvious benefits); he said to just take a vitamin D supplement, exercise and watch what you eat. Pretty much common sense I guess so why pay the money for someone else to tell me the same thing? I’ve got to call Dr. M, the radiologist to ask about going to Oshawa instead of here. As for the pathology report, I’m now back in the waiting room while they call Sunnybrook (that's where I guess the pathology is conducted) to see if the results from that are in yet. Not too bad today though, it’s only 2:30pm and my appointment was at 1:30pm so it’s not as bad as it’s been in the past, that’s for sure. The nurses here are superb, they work tirelessly and efficiently and it’s gotta be a thankless job, but they truck on, they smile and they are polite amongst the chaos, I give them a lot of credit, let’s hear it for the nurses and volunteers!
How have I been feeling? Well, since the restlessness, I’ve been fine! I didn’t go through that dip in cells that make you excessively tired, I didn’t feel that at all, although I waited for that, but now that I’m at the end of this cycle, I can now say that it skipped by me. Will I be this lucky in the future? Who knows, I don't think so, but it feels pretty darn good right now. When I came in to the breast clinic, it was all but empty with 5 of us waiting. Now, there is closer to 40 people here, not one seat is currently available, just crazy. I like coming here without my wig, it makes me feel empowered and here I don’t worry about people staring at me. I did go to Costco yesterday with my mum and I wore only a bandanna which was a big step for me I think. Especially because I look ridiculous in a bandanna, just ridiculous. I have been going to the dog park with just a hat, but that’s different than Costco as you don’t know you’ll see even another person at the dog park but it’s a little different at Costco! My attitude has changed about that. Before I was worried about people staring at me and if I could handle it. I really gotta give myself more credit as I don’t really care who stares at me. Before I was staring at people to see if they were staring at me. Kinda counter-productive as it’s possible they were just staring back at me. Now, because I’m not looking for it I don’t notice it so I’ve realized that my actions and emotions shouldn’t be affected by how others react, I really need to learn to look no further than myself to find the strength and character that I possess. Others are not going to give that to me, but I already knew that, didn’t I? Do I actually act that way and live my life that way or is that just something I’m saying now because I’m writing? I’m not sure… How do you ever tell?