You've Followed my Journey so now I hope you will Support it

On September 5-7, 2008 I'll be participating in a very special event called The Weekend to End Breast Cancer.
I'll walk 60 kilometres over the course of one weekend with thousands of other women and men. The net proceeds will support breast cancer research, treatment, and services through the Princess Margaret Hospital, the very same hospital where I receive my treatment.
I've agreed to raise at least $2000, but I've set my personal goal at $3200 (UPDATE - since the time of registering and posting this blog which was this morning, my girlfriend Kelly has now joined my team to walk with me and made fun of my personal goal; she set hers to $5000 and so now I've had to change mine as to not be upstaged; I'm just waiting for Carm to come right over the top of both of us!). So I need your help. Use the link at the bottom of this, and please go visit my site - and please take the time to support me. Keep in mind how far I'm walking - and how hard I'll have to train too! ;p
According to the National Cancer Institute of Canada, approximately 20,500 Canadian women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year, and about 5,400 will die from the disease. That's why I'm walking. That statistic is also why I'm already starting my fund-raising efforts a year in advance as it's very important for me to keep setting those long distance goals all throughout my life. Here is the first one since diagnosis. I hope that you'll share this incredible adventure with me - by supporting me in my fundraising efforts.
Thank you in advance for your support and if any of you dare to do this with me, you can join my team "Kelly's Journey" and you can start your own fundraising efforts and walk alongside me during what is guaranteed to be an emotional yet uplifting and truly rewarding experience.
I understand some views on this walk; some people feel very strongly against the mandatory fundraising amount. You see, in order to walk in this event, you must raise a minimum of $2,000. I can see the argument for some that it is unfair to put a dollar amount on fundraising efforts and to stop people from participating as they aren't able to picture themselves raising that amount, but I'm sorry, I can completely understand why there is a minimum and I am so grateful there is. If walkers just walked for the spirit of it, that is a wonderful sentiment, however how much money would be raised if you had no specific goal? Would they have had raised 17 million last year (and the millions and millions all the years before that) without that minimum? Princess Margaret -and please trust that I of all people can attest to this- has the facilities and programs that other hospitals just don't have the funds to offer, hence the reason I travel downtown to get treated there. They have a section of the hospital next to the breast clinic WEBC Survivorship Centre that conducts support programs, information sessions, exercise classes, support, information, etc, etc, etc. This is made possible only because of the funds raised during this annual event. Those initials stand for Weekend to End Breast Cancer.
100% of all donations go directly to Princess Margaret. Proceeds from the event are invested in leading-edge breast cancer research, prevention and screening programs, as well as education, care and other critical breast cancer initiatives. In addition, The Princess Margaret pays for the costs of the event, most of which come from resources right here in Toronto.

So I do support the idea of a $2k minimum as it directly supports me and what I am going through and what I will continue to go through so even though raising the $2k may inhibit you from wanting to walk beside me, I do hope that it won't hinder your ability to help me through a donation for me to walk and support this initiative.

My team name is Kelly's Journey and you can visit http://www.endcancer.ca/ for more information as well as search for a participant to find me or go directly to either my site or my team site at the following links:

To make a donation to my walk, go to:
http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?px=2411404&pg=personal&fr_id=1254

To join my team, go to:
http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?team_id=56176&pg=team&fr_id=1254

The Things People Say

I'm going to start out by saying that it's very ironic I would have the audacity to even comment on what others say as I'm not exactly Queen of tact myself, however this is my blog; with that caveat thrown down, I'll proceed.

A few weeks ago, when I went in to work, I had to deal briefly with one of our suppliers. I've only met this guy once before and he's creepy and I don't like him. He was saying inappropriate things to me and looking at me all creepily, but whatever, he's harmless and I really didn't give it much thought but I do remember asking my boss if I was expected to work with him on anything resembling a regular basis and was assured I wouldn't be. My first encounter happened as I was eating lunch and he was telling me how my sandwich wasn't really a sandwich, for a really good sandwich he could take me to a place by his house for sandwiches... ewwww, he's about late 40s and looks like a creepy mountain man. I don't think I looked up from my computer when I stated that in fact my sandwich tasted world class and my lunch dates were reserved for my boyfriend. He muttered something I can't remember and that was that. Now a few weeks ago, the President sees me and asked me to ask this same guy who is apparently skulking around the office somewhere a question regarding a CD he had made for us. Super. I decided instead of finding this guy, I'd call another supplier who does the same kind of work and ask him the question. Sooo smart! I find out the answer without having to ask him anything. I'm feeling accomplished and very sneaky about this as I'm leaving the building, but of course as I'm heading to the elevators he is sitting at our reception area (giving our poor receptionist the creepy eyes) at the same time the President comes around the corner and says "Kelly, were you able to ask _____ about the CD?" Okay, so I now see that El Presidente hasn't checked his email as I've sent him the problem-solving steps, but the answer to the question is still "No, I haven't, but I already sent you the answer." I get the confused look in response but he doesn't stop to say anything else, and now I'm facing this supplier who is looking at me quizzically. I just start rambling about the problem and he starts to give me the answer, but I cut him off as I found out from someone else already. He still insists on informing me of the technicalities of this particular way of programming, like I at all care to know about the fun-filled world of video-streaming and I press the elevator button. He is still talking to me even though I've said I know, the problem has been solved and I step on the elevator. As I'm doing this, I hear loudly, "You've certainly gained a lot of weight since the last time I saw you." End quote.
I wasn't prepared for this. I let the doors close. Would I like to write here how I hammered him with my best weapon (my mouth) and he ran full force out of one of our 6th floor windows? Yes, but this is non-fiction. I let the doors close and just decided to instead obsess about it internally for the rest of the week. I can't believe he said that, but not because I'm going through chemo -he wouldn't know that- but that any person dealing with others in a work environment felt they could just say that! That any person feels the need to say that to another, like I don't own a mirror or something. It's not like he works at my place of business where I could go to his boss; he's contracted for projects. After inquiring further about this guy, he has personal issues apparently that make him, ummm, 'odd' so whatever, but I did tell my boss. My boss reacted how my dad would, he went really red in the face and was very angry and started loudly saying what I shoulda said to the *sshole, etc. I left it at that as I know that my boss will handle that issue for me the next time he sees him and I'm fine with that punishment. My boss, although a really nice guy (to me), is still an A-type strong sales personality so I know the hammer will come crashing down behind closed doors on his next visit to my office, and I take my comfort in that thought. Of course, I'm now prepared to see him again and in retrospect I'm glad I allowed those doors to close as it would have been beating a dead horse to go back after I had thought about it and attack twice. So now I get one attack and plenty of time to perfect it in my head and execute on next sighting. I'll let you know how that plays out when it does.

Next is yet another work situation. This is with someone I really enjoy though and he didn't have any bad intentions, but I'll let you help me with this one.
I talk a lot about my wig and how I hardly wear it out but any time I go to work I wear it. I dress more casually at work when I go in as a) I'm not wearing heels while going through this and my flats consist of runners and b) I'm wearing a hat and it looks stupid to wear business attire with a hat and runners. At least at my age it does; I haven't found a suitable hat really for work, so instead of trying the business look half-assed, I go casual. The thing about wearing a wig is you're always worried about what it looks like. I never really worry when I'm bald, strange eh? It's different types of feelings. I feel an inner strength when I'm bald and when I say bald I actually mean hat without wig. I don't very often go out without the hat, it's too cold on my head and I still want the cover of a hat. At home I go buck bald though, inside and around my property doing chores and chatting with my neighbours.
Then there's hat with wig; these are the two ways I leave my house. When I go for drinks or lunch with my friends on a patio, I wonder if someone I know but haven't seen in a while is going to jokingly walk by me without me seeing them and try and get my attention by taking off my hat and my wig goes with it and I grab my head while everyone around me screams in fright -or worse- laughs. The whole patio gasps in horror and I run off arms flailing. This is a genuine concern of mine. I do think of this and worry about it when I go out with the wig on, as ridiculous as those thoughts are.
So I'm at the office one day, working away when I see one of the guys that used to work with us but now is on contract. He is an older gentleman and knows all about what I'm going through. He even got my number and called me to wish me and my family a Happy Thanksgiving. His daughter does the annual walk for breast cancer and right after I got diagnosed, I received an email from him sent to everyone asking for donations for her walk and he was saying how uncomfortable it is to ask for money but he doesn't care because he and his family are so passionate about eradicating this disease, etc. I was obviously touched on a very personal level and was just at that time starting along this journey, so emailed him and told him why I'd be donating to her walk. He was very distraught over this news, especially because of my age (I'd put him to be close to 60) and has been in constant contact with me. So he knows he's about to see me at the office, I hear him coming a mile away and get up out of my chair to go and accept the incredibly strong and painful bear hug I'm about to receive, and as I wraps my arms around him, he.... yes. He whips off my hat!!! My wig mercifully didn't go with it but I now have my wig fully exposed without the hat! My wig has bangs and is never worn without the hat as I look ridiculous like that, I don't care that I cover up a $1200 wig with a hat, this is how I like to wear it and that is that.
So now my wig is fully exposed with bad hat head with the bangs sticking straight out. Half the sales team faces my desk. My arms are around him and I'm looking around for a place to run, I start to back into one of the offices behind me but my arms are still around him and my head is on his shoulder and I'm saying put it back on my head! He does and I arrange it and I don't know how to react. It's all a blur from here, but I'm still to this day not sure why he did that. Is it because he's older and simply didn't realize it was a wig but was yanking my hat off as I'm at work and indoors and a lot of older generations find this disrespectful? Or did he know it was a wig but was doing the whole 'don't hide behind a disguise, wear bald proud!' type of thing, I simply don't know. I saw some sales people react to this and whisper to each other what had just transpired, but I tried to just go back to what I was doing, even though my heart was racing and my brain was going a mile a minute trying to go back over what had just happened.
I saw him again the next morning at an off site meeting we had, and it was just him and I there to begin with so as I was walking to his outstretched arms I said "Leave my hat alone!" and then hugged him and he was rambling about how his wife had given him so much trouble over him doing that and he was sorry, but again, I didn't find out what the reasoning was behind it. It's probably just as well that I don't know, but here's a gentle reminder to all that you never know what's under the hat that you're removing, so just don't do it. I'm trying to think back to remember if I was ever the girl to greet guys by ripping off their hats, but I'm hoping I was never that annoying person. I doubt I am; don't you people be either. I would have obviously reacted differently to someone else performing this action, but this is a really nice caring man who genuinely cares about my well-being and certainly didn't mean any harm, he just wasn't thinking those actions through. How can I fault or admonish that?

When being ehmon (pronounced A-mon) does more harm than good

I've been going in to the office more lately. I know this is not a smart move but I can't help feeling guilty that I'm not there. I shouldn't feel guilty as I still am able to do a lot from home, but the reality is I'm simply able to do more and do my job more effectively from the office. So I go there occasionally, more and more lately and this would probably turn into a habit that I can't simply get in to. Me being there makes the people I work with happy as I'm there to help out and take work off their plate, which they desperately need. They can also see that I'm doing well, which the people there close to me also need. But unfortunately this is not what I need.
I am able to function quite normally during chemo during the good days of my cycle. I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I can walk my dog and hold a conversation and function pretty much like everyone else. I understand that I am lucky to do this, some people that go through chemo are literally in bed for their whole treatment or mentally they simply aren't able to cope. Neither of these are mercifully the case for me. The problem is what is called Neutropenia aka low white blood counts. This is induced and made life-threatening during chemotherapy. There's a long explanation but here is the gist: when you go through chemo, your cells, both healthy and cancerous, are killed. Getting something as simple as a sniffle could put me into emergency as I have zero immune system while going through chemo. Offices are the #1 place to pass off germs to others. They are a cesspool for germs and for passing on infections/colds etc. If you develop a fever during neutropenia you may require treatment with intravenous antibiotics and admission to the hospital until the number of neutrophils in the blood returns to sufficient levels to fight the infection. If my healthy cells (the white ones) drop too low, I'm not able to get chemo again until they are back up. I would need to be intravenously fed antibiotics and I'd just as likely need a blood transfusion. If my chemo is delayed, this affects its effectiveness and could negatively influence my survival rate. If I get sick or if my healthy blood count drops too low, I'm at risk of developing a life-threatening infection, or having my treatment either altered or delayed. This would also affect my survival rate. I am writing this just as much to remind myself as to educate you. I find it hard to slow down and take it easy even though I absolutely must. If I got sick during chemo because I caught something in the office, how could I face my family and the people that care about me? And for what? My job? I love my job and it pays the bills, but isn't going to make me the kind of money I plan on making in this lifetime, and it's certainly not what I plan on doing for the rest of my life. I don't plan on assisting, I plan on running! I am going to be much more successful than I am today, obviously, so I take a risk like this only to prove to myself that I am okay and still a great worker, and that I'm not going to let chemo run my life. I can be such an ass sometimes! Just ask my dad who I just got off the phone with yelling at me (not really yelling, just passionately reasoning) about how I better be careful and to stop doing too much, etc etc etc. I wasn't able to see either of my parent's for about 2 weeks as they both got sick and wouldn't come around me during that time. I can't imagine either of them being the reason I got sick as they'd feel absolutely awful about it obviously, so they didn't come by and I wasn't able to go to their house, which was hard on them (and me) I'm sure as they weren't able to be with me during the bad days following treatment last week. Anyway, here I am stearing clear of loved ones yet I'll go into the office where germs and recycled air would be much worse culprits to my health?My argument to my dad is that I know my absence at work is felt and although I do still work from home, I get much more accomplished by being there, and everyone knows it, which makes me feel guilty as it is my nature to work hard and right now I feel like a slacker and I despise that feeling. I also sometimes feel like I have to say no to working on certain projects that require my physical presence. This isn't anyone at works fault, I can't assume they're educated enough on my specific treatment to know the real risks I face, so I write them here thinking maybe I'll be better able to explain why I'm not able to work at a normal pace just because I look and act like I can. My boss and even my bosses boss has made it clear time and time again that my health is their main concern, and my boss of course knows the reasons I'm not there, but I think he keeps them to himself as respect for my privacy, even though I've told him he can share what I tell him with others, I can tell when I go to work that he doesn't do this at all. I try to reason my logic in terms that my dad can relate to as he's in management and has a team of people that report to him. One of the girls walks in to his office crying about a personal issue. Does he a) care about the reason she is crying or b) is he uncomfortable/embarassed that she is crying at work and in his office? The answer is b, unless said girl is your daughter. :) That is reality; most people think in WIIFM terms, what's in it for me? This certainly isn't a bad or negative thing it's just human nature, isn't it? I'm totally guilty of this! Unless you're a select few, doesn't society in general think like this internally? When I first heard about cancer, I thought of chemo and I immediately thought about the benefit of losing 20 lbs from it being a positive thing. Human nature. If your coworker calls in sick or for whatever reason can't come in to work which puts more on your plate, are you concerned for their well-being or secretly wondering if they're faking while thinking "Super, now I gotta pick up the slack!" It's not what you say obviously but are you able to admit it goes through your mind? He sees my point but does not think it applies to me as we're not talking about a fight with a boyfriend; we're talking about cancer and a real life-threatening risk of catching something as simple as a cold. True, but again, I'm not 'sick' so it's hard for me to look at something that hasn't happened yet. I know the obvious argument on this too; obviously I don't want to find out the hard way, but guilt -on some days- does prevail. I'm ehmon so I'm absolutely hating sitting on my butt in a sterilized bubble as it is against my nature. But while I actually do have a choice in the matter and I'm able to write this from my couch and not a hospital bed, I should sit quietly in said bubble and shut up. Stay tuned to see if I actually do so.

Oh okay, you won't get the ehmon reference, will you? I'll explain. It's short form reference to an old In Living Colour skit (what a fabulous show that was!), and we've shortened this hilarious saying to ehmon and is now part of daily verbage. My friends and I would think it's cooler and more impressive to work hard for what you have then to be handed what you have. Therefore to be ehmon is cool and is a compliment in our warped little world. It would come up in conversation as follows:
The Compliment: "She's cool, I like her. She's ehmon too like us."
The Excuse: "Sorry I haven't called; I've been so ehmon lately!"
The Concerned Chastise: "You gotta stop being so ehmon dude, seriously."
The Diss "She's never had to be ehmon a day in her life!"

When you work very hard at what you do, or you multitask, or hold multiple skills or have always simply worked hard for what you get, my friends and I refer to this as ehmon.

As in, "Eh mon! I got t'ree jobs!"

Over the hump but still a long road ahead

I've sat down a few times to write, but something stops me. I don't know what it is. It may be simply easier to write when you're not going through these few days of helplessness. I had chemo last Wednesday and now it's Monday morning and I still feel gross. Right now, the rest of the treatments seem so daunting. I can look at it as I'm over the hump (3 down, 3 to go), but unfortunately I'm just seeing a long outstretched road in front of me with no finish line. I've been kind of revelling in the 'this will never be over for me' thoughts, and they're freaking me out to a certain degree, but I'm not going to let it be all-consuming. I simply can't. My arm has not been hurting as I thought it would, that's good. The worst is probably the feeling of being bruised and the gut rot. You can't touch me or hug me right now without me wincing. I guess it's a fluid buildup or something but my body just feels black and blue, although there aren't any visible bruises. I had heart burn for I think the first time in my life yesterday. I was eating potatoes and then this huge pain came in my chest and I couldn't eat. It felt like there was a big bubble in my chest that I couldn't get down. That's heartburn I take it? Never happened to me before, but that wasn't comfortable. I've been extra extra puffy this treatment from the steroids (...okay and the burgers); I also feel more poisoned if that makes any sense. I'm yucky. My mouth tastes metallic so water right now tastes disgusting, I get very dry around the mouth and my tongue looks like it has cotton on it. This is better than mouth sores so I hate to even tempt fate by complaining about my side effects yet I'll continue. My face, my body, everything is round and and puffy and bloated. Yesterday was more comical than anything as Shawn went back to his massage therapy textbooks (I know I know, my boyfriend was a trained massage therapist and here I am complaining about my life! :)) and was researching stomach massages that he could try to get rid of the bloat or whatever it is in there. I'm lying on the ground with a pillow under my legs and he's doing these weird techniques to my stomach. I remember the early days of our relationship when I put on make up every time I saw him and ran from the room hugging the covers with the lights off and he wouldn't use the bathroom at my apartment; fast forward to our current situation of me lying on my back with the equivalent of a 6-month pregnancy bump and peach fuzz for hair and you gotta just shake your head at the irony.

Beast of Burden - Chemo

It's about 8am, morning after my 3rd chemo treatment. Blech. I have a headache, feel icky and poisonous as usual, but I pretty much slept through the night and there was no vomiting, which is a relief! This historically has been the start of my bad days so we'll see how it goes. I think I mentioned before how the last time I had chemo that my arm hurt a while afterward. I mentioned this to the nurses this time but they think it's from being poked so many times instead of it being because they poked a nerve. I wasn't convinced of this as if it was from that, wouldn't it have hurt right after instead of a few weeks later? If they did poke a nerve that could be disastrous as your nerves don't regenerate the way muscles do, so it may affect the mobility in my left arm permanently. My arm felt bruised when I touched any part of it and I wasn't able to straighten it without pain. I was stressing this as I have a big dog, I want to be able to take him for walks and I get a lot of pleasure from spending time with him outdoors just the two of us. I was disturbed to think that I wouldn't be able to hold a leash with either arms as there is now risk of permanent damage to both. I'd always have to walk my own dog with someone else? *sad sigh*
Well anyway, I don't think this will be the case, they maybe were right about getting poked a bunch of times being the reason as I seem to be gaining more mobility.
As I mentioned before, I was told I'd probably need to get a port o cath inserted to receive chemo and draw blood. This a quarter-sized device that is surgically planted in your chest area, with tubes coming out of it. Since it was suggested and not enforced, no thanks! I'm not wanting anymore surgeries than I feel necessary and I certainly don't want tubes coming out of my body, not just for the obvious cosmetic reasons but more importantly it's about the big grey monster that stands as tall as Shawn when standing. Milo could rip that outta me very easily and I'm not chancing that. A little different I'd imagine than getting an earring ripped out, so if it's a matter of my comfort of not getting poked and the nurses not having the difficulty of finding my vein, sorry, we'll all just have to be inconvenienced.
That was my opinion before yesterday.
The first time I received chemo the nurse told me not to bother with the port o cath as the nurses in the chemo clinic were proficient in the art of jabbing. Okay, phew, happy to hear that. That nurse got me with one poke. I have phantom veins hence all the port o cath talk. When giving blood I get poked usually at least twice. The 2nd chemo sucked big time. I got poked first twice by one nurse and then another two times by the more experienced nurse they brought to me. It hurt and even getting the chemo hurt that time. It's not just any needles they use, they're like thin tubes that getting inserted up your vein. I'm not very sqeamish but even I have trouble watching these ones.
The previous two times now have got me slack from the nursing staff about not having the port, but I counter it was the senior nurse here that advised me against it and she said all the nurses knew what they were doing. Funny, this shuts them up. I say this as a joke by the way, I really love all the nurses at PMH, but it does stop them from talking anymore about the subject.
What a production yesterday! I was joking around with the first nurse as I explained how many times I was poked last time and about my arm being sore etc. Oh another problem is that I can't get poked in the right arm, just the left because of my surgery and all the nodes over there removed. Apparently I'm now to have any pokes in the left arm forever, except on the day of chemo when I have to get blood taken. I get blood taken an hour before every appointment so they can make sure my counts are up and if not, no chemo for me that day. Same if they can't get my veins to cooperate and the last thing I want to do is delay my treatments. My last treatment if all goes according to plan will be December 19th. I don't want to delay any as that will put me after the New Year and I'm hoping that I'll mercifully be able to celebrate what is sure to be the most emotional holiday season ever with this already under my belt, not still looming! I think that's a fair wish to make. I could be ridiculous and wish for the impossible, but I just want chemo finito for Xmas. I gotta spend my 30th in the midst of chemo, but the consolation is at least not Xmas. Here's hoping, fingers crossed. Yesterday was dangerously close to a delay, same as the 2nd time. She got it first shot this time, I breathed a sigh of relief and while she was starting the red devil push, I was joking around with her (really cute little Chinese lady) saying she was lucky as I'd forgive the 2nd shot, the 3rd I'd be angry but by the 4th I'd be throwing punches, so good thing she got it first shot! "Uh ohhhh, where is the blood, how can there be no blood?!" This was my nurse speaking. As she was pushing the craziest chemo drug (the one where the plastic surgeon is available just-in-case) she noticed that the needle was in my vein, but she wasn't able to see blood coming into the tube, therefore she couldn't proceed as that is the only way to be absolutely certain that you're securely in the vein. By now there is another nurse beside me as well, debating with the nurse as to whether or not they could proceed. They decided they couldn't; they'd have to try again. Of course, not before moving the needle in and out, moving my arm to different elevation points trying to get the blood to surface, I am a slab of beef at this point and trying every which way to not have to poke me anymore. But they did, I had another 4 pokes (yes that would be 5 total) before they could finally get it working. It's better to be safe than sorry, I'd rather be poked and be uncomfortable then to have that crazy drug miss my vein and then have to deal with plastic surgery because of it, so it was the best course of action, I get it. It was quite a show though. 4 different nurses tried, 5 were hovering around me, the patients in their beds were all craning their necks to see what was going on, I had their family members starting to gather around me to watch over the whole nursing staffs shoulders. And of course, right in front of me were the most annoying girls I have ever come across. That's not true but it feels true right now. There was a girl that was around my age getting chemo (first person I've seen there under 40 other than me for sure) and she had I think four of her friends with her. They looked like the Nordic version of Sex and the City. This girl is lying in her bed getting chemo and she looked very uncomfortable as she kept closing her eyes and wincing, but her friends seemed oblivious to this and were either texting, on their cell phones or talking amongst themselves about partying, having too many glasses of vino, about how he is just gonna have to work for it if he wants to see me again, blah blah blah so loud! This one girl had her back to me so wasn't aware of the commotion just 3 feet behind her, but as I've got the nurses all over me, and I'm being subjected to poke after poke, wiggle after wiggle, pain after pain, a nurse sqeezing my leg, Shawn sqeezing my hand, I'm listening to talk about how 4 glasses of red wine was just too much for one work night and if he wants to be invited over again he better... In my head I'm picturing her demise and how I could possibly manage to contribute to it in this state, but point is, I didn't need to hear about her life and they were playing to the crowd, which just bugged me. There are people in this room that are very affected by treatment and it was almost an invasion of privacy to have these four people in there talking business as usual. Have some respect for others. most 50 year olds don't want to hear about partying, booze and drugs, especially I would imagine at this time. I think having support is great, don't get me wrong and conversation not all about cancer is great too, but it didn't seem to be helping the girl they were there to support and have some respect when in the room with others that are going through something difficult, ie chemo, but what do I know, maybe I was the only one offended, although I highly doubt that based on Shawn's face, the nurses rolling their eyes and the guy in the next bed loudly gasping in their oblivious direction. I do know that I wanted to chuck the barbie out the window, and picturing it made me feel a little consoled.
So today, my arm is going be achy, I'm starting to get a little nauseous so I'm gonna go and try to remedy with some herbs as Craig just arrived to keep me company. ;)

Pink Ribbon Pendants for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

This will be a short post (yah right, we'll see I always say that) but I'm currently working on something for my boss AND about to get ready for treatment #3 at Princess Margaret. I'll write again later today about the last treatment cycle as well as today's experience, and also about what they've said about my left arm being messed up. I don't think I've shared that yet, and I'll elaborate later, but I'm pretty sure the last time I received treatment the nurse hit a nerve when she poked me (one of the 4 times) with the needle. I'll explain later and once I have more info after I inquire (bitch loudly) at the chemo clinic.

This is about Michelle. I've known Michelle since high school and we were very close for a period of time after high school, but lost touch until just before me finding my tumour. This statement must be annoying by now, but again, this must've happened for a reason! Anyway, Michelle has been an amazing friend to me throughout my journey and we've had some fun drinking nights lately and she has been a catalyst in my 'being normal' and simply hanging out with my friends and swapping hilarious stories. Our visits aren't all about my disease, which is a relief as we have much more interesting things to talk about. She's also, unbeknownst to her, made the whole possibly 'not able to give birth' thing a lot easier on me. You see, she graphically shared with Laura and I the whole birthing experience like no one has ever shared it before! I'm getting more and more okay with adoption the more she tells me about it, so Michelle, thanks! ;-)

Michelle is a prolific jeweler; this has been her passion since a young age as she comes from a family of jewellers. Her parent's own a successful jeweler in Scarborough (George Jewellers 3242 Eglinton Ave E at Markham Rd http://www.guildwoodvillage.com/g/george/ for those of you able to visit this family-run jewellry/watch shop).



Michelle decided to take action and help out the cause in the spirit of October being Breast Cancer Awareness month. She designed these beautiful delicate necklace charms and has named them 'Kelly's Journey' and is selling them for only $10, $5 of which will go to support Breast Cancer, for the whole month of October. I'm getting chills just writing that! Aren't you guys jealous that I have the most awesome friends in the world? She has already received a lot of orders (they are a limited edition so only so many will be produced), not to mention all of my friends that want them and want to give them out to their friends/family and has now decided to host a night where her friends can go and purchase these directly from her. I really don't know what to say to her, I am so humbled for her support and her generosity as her time is very expensive! She makes these obviously by hand and I'm not just saying she's a profilic jeweller, I mean it. She gets paid a lot of money for her time and her designs (people trust her to design wedding rings for goodness sake, she's that good!) and she's donating all of that in support of women like me. I'm not sure what to do with that? Again, say thanks? How do I say that and have her truly understand the emotion and gratitude behind that statement? I've had so many different experiences with people throughout my journey -not all of them good- and then I have people like Michelle that just makes all the bad points manageable.
For those of you who would like to order some of these unique pieces, you can email me and I'll pass it on to her directly for you.

I wore my necklace (I don't think I'll ever take it off!) to work yesterday and had every woman in the building asking me where I got it and telling me how lucky I am to have the friends I do once I told them about what the designer is doing with the proceeds; I have more and more orders by the day so I'm afraid Michelle you've created a monster! Let me know when these become a 'limited edition!' ;p

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's off to work I go!

I decided last Friday I'd go into work for a while. I've been antsy and super-stressed about not going in to the office as I've felt pretty good. My work has been great to me and I feel like I'm disappointing my boss by not being there to help him, even though I know he'd hate to hear me say that. I really do have the utmost respect for my boss, he's awesome and a mentor to me. I have not always thought this way about him. ;)
He's kinda a big shot at my workplace. He totally scared and intimidated me when I got my first of a few positions at my current company. I wouldn't even make eye contact with him. He had a big corner glass office and he was in charge of the whole sales department for this big organization; I just avoided him like the plague in all honesty. After months of being on the sales team and numerous factors that were going on in my life at the time, I decided that this job might not be for me. I was trying really hard and working crazy hours and doing my part of the job really well, but the team I was handing my files to were not converting them to $$$, and I didn't have control of that part of the sale, which proved way too frustrating for me. I went to his office and uttered the first words I'd ever spoken to him; this would be the first time we ever made eye contact. "Hi ____, uh, I don't think I'm cut out for this (at the time I was super stressed by the pressure of a 100% commission environment), I think I gotta quit." His immediate response. "Go make a coffee for yourself, then come back to my office." Uhhh, alright. When I got back to his office with my bad tasting columbian, he was putting down the phone. "I don't simply allow good people to walk out the door. You have an interview for a trainer's position in 20 minutes at the other office if you want it." No way, sweet! I had no idea he even knew my name, and is now telling me that he's watched me progress and watches how hard I work and that my work ethic is amazing, etc etc, and now he's just made a call and I have an interview for a coveted (in my opinion) trainers position? I have an opportunity to get a job training sales people? Off I go to the other office, met with an RVP I had never heard of before. He said he could tell I was an 'A' player to which I countered "And I'll churn 'A' players out of this training department just as fast as you bring them to me, but you're gonna have to pay for it." He loved me immediately; told me that right off the bat which he shouldn't have as it only armed me with bargaining power. :) I said no 4 times before we reached an agreeable base and incentive plan (and my interviews escalated to the VP of Sales at the time to 'handle' me). I truly loved that job, working with all the new recruits in our own building, I was supervisor and we were doing fantastic! Our teams numbers were surpassing even the experienced sales offices, woo hoo! That felt good as I was dealing with a few ex-coworkers that were none too happy that I got the job even though I'd been at the company a very short time, and now I'm leading the newbies to higher numbers, which would eventually equate to higher sales. Oops, ha ha! Then came another interesting situation. My boss walked in to that office with one of the owners and called me out of the class I was training the newbies in. I was super scared. I remember the long walk down the hall thinking, how embarassing to get fired in front of more than just one person! There were the 2 bosses, my manager and I, and they were talking about restructuring the training department as the one office was closing and we had to restructure blah blah blah... In my head I'm rehearsing my "It's for the best; I was planning on quitting anyway!" speech so I could retrieve some of my pride back from them when my boss looked right at me and said "So, you're gonna be working directly with me." Gulp. What did that mean? What did he do? I wasn't privvy to that information at the time, I just knew he could close pretty much any sale that got to his level as it was his job to do so before the 50k investment of the franchise fee is collected. I wouldn't find out until the next week when I was to report to the office I just came from in my new role as, well, I didn't know what at the time. I spent a lot of time pondering what it could possibly be, and I was a little put off by the whole turn of events. I was loving what I had been doing, was very good at what I was doing, but now I'm doing something else completely? It didn't make any sense, until I met with my boss. I gotta say, and I'll have to ask him what his impression of this conversation was one day, but I was pretty riled up by that Monday morning and I was none too complacent. I wasn't gonna just take any job, I know my strengths and I know what I'm capable of and when it comes to business, I know my career in that field is gonna be stellar if I choose to go in that direction 'cause I am damn good at my job current and past. I do actually think I could walk out the door on any given day and talk myself into a great position. This is simply just a good way to think, as in business, confidence mixed with hard work = respect, trust me. Oh, I let him know all this by the way. Also, because he wasn't able to define at that point exactly what my role would be, I figured he was jerking me around so I jumped on that with the, so, you're looking for a secretary? No thanks! I may be female but I've got b*lls and I'm not going to go that route in my career. Not to demean secretaries, it's just not what I plan on doing or have even done. He laughed at that, I think he must've got such a kick outta me, still does I'm sure. He stated that if he wanted a coffee or needed something faxed, he could do that himself; that was not to be my job. I'd be heading up projects, coordinating with department heads, liaising with other departments, in on all the executive/management meetings; I'd be his voice basically on everything he wasn't able to concentrate on. I asked him what my title would be. He told me to pick one. Him and I banter very well. I 'picked' Executive Assistant of Franchise Development as I really didn't have any time to put thought into it. It doesn't matter anyway, that's a perfect title as it still has no real defined job attached to it, just like my position of the past year and a half. It has unfortunately been misinterpreted to mean I work for any and everybody within that department, but whatever, it doesn't matter as it's good to try and do as many things at work as reasonable; it makes you invaluable so I don't mind 'helping out where I can', and the stuff that others find difficult or trying I find easy so I simply do it. I of course have made it clear to my boss that this in fact isn't my job and not what I agreed to when we first came to an understanding, and he substantiates that for me. Even he sometimes has to ask me what on earth I'm working on, but I don't mind that either as it shows him how much I do. I want to constantly impress my boss as he always impresses me. I don't find many people intimidating but, as I said, I couldn't even look him in the eye when walking by him for my first 6 months with the company. He's not mean or difficult, just a formidable figure with a booming voice and an air about him. Fast forward to our relationship today where I simply walk in to his office, shut the door, state the amount of time (usually 90 seconds) I need to unload and blow off steam as to what's on my mind pertaining to work and best practices etc. I then open the door, walk out feeling much much better, and carry on with my day. My how far we've come!
This post sort of took on a life of its own, didn't mean to talk so much about work, but now you know how I got to where I am today, through my 3 promotions and my current position even though it won't be any more clear what exactly I do in a day, such is the nature of my job.

I think I've made G-list Celeb Status, oops, heads stuck in the doorway...darn!

First, lemme say "Wow!" The emails that I have received from people that have read my blog have been overwhelming! And to think of all the wasted time I put into the decision of posting this whole 'in my head' thing. To actually have it pay off in spades within a day! From the time I linked this site to my facebook page, as well as linked to my signature on a survival site, my conversations with people outside of my immediate circle have been just crazy (crazy good)! I do want to share some here for sure, it's just deciding which ones I guess have affected me the most. I figured that my linking this to facebook would allow my friends and extendafriends to read what was up, and linking this to my signature on YSC (mostly American survivor site geared towards young women with BC) would hopefully allow a few others to read about me and I'd find out if I had any other like-minded people to swap stories with. Well, both have been amazing and I can't believe this has been viewed a few hundred times in a matter of days. Ah, that's a little surreal.
Oh and to my girlfriends, stop making fun of me by saying that I sit around with all this time on my hands and click and click away to get the sitemeter count up. I designed this site to not include my own IP address (so computer-savvy I am). For those of you who will try and counter that I'm doing this from other people's computer? Let me answer before you have a chance even to think it: You guys are *ssholes, quit stealing my thunder (kidding! *mwah!*)
No, in all seriousness, please do know that it means the world to me, especially when I get emails from other survivors, like the one I opened today from a girl in New Zealand! I mean, really? New Zealand? How on earth did she find me??!! That's pretty cool and pretty humbling. To hear her tell me she feels close to me without even meeting me because she shares so much of what I'm thinking and has gone through so many of the same trials 'n' tribs is exactly why I did this! I've been immediately rewarded by an influx of well-wishes and stories of survival. I have also received correspondence from UK, Germany, and all over Canada and the US! Where are you guys posting this??? Am I going to google myself and find video of some pretty little Japanese reporter giving a news cast with my blog on the top right hand screen (after they've translated it of course)? I know some of my friends have sent it around their office or to their friends/family with some inspiring words regarding me and encouraging others to read or pass on to people they know who have survived cancer, but have people they've sent it to sent it to others as well? I know better than most how well viral marketing works over the internet (this is a big aspect of my job and my companies core competency) however I never thought I'd be subjected to it in my personal life. It's so weird, I still just have to shake my head to picture people opening an email with information on my life and my thoughts; it's still gonna take some getting used to. I've already had the conversations with people bringing stuff up about me that I'm like, how did you know about that? Oh, right, heh heh, I'm the one who's invited this into my life, aren't I? Maybe I didn't think this through as well as I should've! I'm not known as a 'sharer of feelings'. Till now of course; now I've gone soft and have totally lost my edge, super! ;'(

Obviously I say all or most of this in jest, but to those of you who I have been in contact with that are inspired by me being able to talk about it, all I can say is try it for yourself, I promise you by doing that you'll see I'm nothing special. Let your friends/family in on what's going on without having to have the extra emotions of dealing with their responses. It totally has worked for me. I've been in a really good mood this past week and I in all honesty wasn't actually planning on turning this into an ongoing thing (it's a lot of emotion), but I've been inspired by all of your encouragement, so as long as you keep letting me know how you're doing and how you're interpreting my journey and it doesn't get in the way of the bills getting paid, I'll keep on writing, deal?

Here's Looking at YOU, kid!

I get a lot of sympathetic glances, or the eye contact followed by the really quick lookaway. It's all fine, you just deal with it. Trust me, I'm more embarassed for you by your actions than I am that I look this way. When I first started walking around without a wig, -which I did pretty much immediately after I shaved my head- I was very cognizant of the reactions of people around me. The first time I left the house with just my shaved head -no wig, no hat- was when Craig and I went to see Superbad at Scarborough Towne Centre. It was during a weekday so again, not a lot of people around, but still, this was my bald debut. I noticed some people looking at me, but then again, some of them surely were just staring back at me since I was looking at them for a reaction. When you're looking for something like that, you're gonna find it. But you just learn to adapt, which I did quickly I think. Before we went in, Craig was having a smoke, and I looked down at my feet only to notice my white socks were visible above my sneakers and I blurted out "How embarassing! Look, I'm wearing floods!" As I looked up at Craig, I glanced my reflection in the door behind him and I followed that statement with a sarcastic "What on earth am I worried about people looking at my feet for!" This got a laugh and a shake of the head from Craig. It's true though, the last thing people would be staring at would be my too-short track pants, ha ha ha! I was out in public 5 minutes before I forgot that I was bald. I was talking to Julie a while ago (before I shaved my head) about what I was gonna do to cover up the baldness and I remember she said that it was different from when we were younger. Back then you'd see some person in the mall with a bandanna and you'd stare as it was a unique site, but nowadays you see people all the time that appear to be going through chemo, etc, so it's not really a big deal to see anymore. That really stuck with me. It's true, but how about all those women that braved those stares back in the day? I personally feel like I owe them something. They paved the way for others -me- to be able to walk around bald, or with just a head cover. Had they hidden behind wigs, people wouldn't have been any the wiser and I wouldn't be as comfortable walking around without one today. So I don't wear mine all the time, I'd venture to say I don't most times. The more people see us out there going about our business, the less it'll be a sight to see and you won't take a second look. Shouldn't I help out to make that a reality? I think so. Besides, aren't we just purchasing wigs to make other people feel comfortable around us? I know that wigs also make the wearer feel more empowered to get out there and face their day (I wear mine every time I go into the office), but if it was completely accepted by society, more I feel would choose to go without. I'm liking this line of thinking as again, it's enlightening. I'm putting this $1200 (that's unfortunately not a typo) hairpiece on and making myself uncomfortable (because they are) pretty much to make myself look normal around others. I'm looking forward to the day that normal is used to describe a whole plethora of looks and I should contribute to that idealistic line of thinking. You can all do something too. Try not to stare, give an empathetic look or turn away quickly, eyes averted. Definitely don't whisper conspiratorally to the person beside you to check it out. You never know who it is you're commenting on. I'm bald; not deaf or blind idiot. Wait until you're around a corner to make a nasty comment to your hopefully mortified-to-have-you-as-a-friend friend. I'll give you an example of such people. Carm and I went to Chudleigh's Orchard last weekend to pick apples and eat corn on the cob fresh off the BBQ and do the hayride. It was great fun! A beautiful fall day for the road trip to Milton and some fresh crisp weather to pluck in-season apples. On our way back to my place, we were on the 401 off ramp at a red light. I happened to look beside me only to catch in the car next to us the girl who was in the passenger side whispering to 'look beside her' to the girl driving, while the girl in the backseat was already staring at me as the driver turns around to make eye contact with me giving her a bemused glare. When I got into the car when leaving Chudleigh's, I chucked my hat in the back seat. These girls got caught commenting on my appearance and all tried to look away very quickly, but I wasn't simply gonna turn away. I started telling Carm what was transpiring while rolling down my window staring down these girls, as both cars were now moving as the light turned, but by now Carm is cursing wildly and trying to go slow to get the girls to pull beside us, but they're literally going 40 (in a 60) to avoid having to pull beside us now as her and I are visibly agitated and craning our necks to look into their car. These girls acted chastely, I'm pretty sure they were younger than us, but cars are now honking, so with a "Whatever Carm," we just drove off, but we were laughing about this amongst ourselves. I take solace in the hope that their drive immediately following that was silent as they were embarassed in front of each other that they didn't even have the guts to drive alongside of us, yet had the guts to comment on me, until caught and almost confronted. Here's the lesson. If you're not able to pull it together and be a decent human being and simply not comment and/or stare and make a big deal or make fun of someone in a situation such as mine, be careful that you're prepared to live with the consequences of what you're instigating. I understand that therapy is very expensive and the shame of having to live with getting your ass kicked by a sick cancer patient is gonna take a lot of sessions to eradicate from memory I'd imagine. Avoid it if possible. I may look 'sick' but I don't feel it and with all the suppressed anger I must have in me for a lot of different reasons, I'm always on the lookout for an outlet and who better that some ignorant &%)$, really?

Beanie maybes

About a week or two ago, my mum and I decided to go shopping. I'm no longer fitting into anything I wear, so we went on an excursion. I begrudgingly went as I knew I needed to, but wasn't looking forward to the reality behind the size I was surely gonna fit in to. Anyway, it wasn't as bad as I pictured, it was nice to put on clothes that I wasn't bulging out of, such as most of the clothes in my closet, so I spent quite a pretty penny on new stuff. The best was getting to the front of the line with my $450 in new clothes only to realize I had forgotten my wallet. Muuuuuum!!!" So, with an ample amount of new clothes and an extra $450 in my pocket (kidding Mum, I am giving you the $$$ back!) we kept on shopping. We ended up going in to Mark's Work Wearhouse as Shawn wanted me to grab him socks. This store is completely empty, as I imagine it is normally, but especially during the week which is when we were there. I'm guessing there were about 10 shoppers sporadically planted throughout this big box store. I wasn't wearing my wig that day, just a hat. I figured I'd check out the hat selection while we were there; I'm now always on the lookout for new hats. They had a great selection of various beenie hats and I love beanie hats, I've always looked fabulous in them, but I don't think I own any now, so I grabbed a bunch of styles and headed to the mirror. The mirror was located close enough to the change rooms, which are in the middle of the store, that I didn't feel the need to hide in a change room to take off my hat. There were only a few people around anyway. I took off my hat, my mum was just perusing the rack that was right next to me. Anyway, she turned around to look at me as I pulled this beanie on to my head in front of the mirror. No sooner did my mum let out the loudest laugh ever when she looked at me as I was guffawing at my reflection saying "Omigod! I look like one of The Seven Dwarfs!" This was way more than she could handle. She started empatically nodding her head in agreement with me (she had this image as well) but couldn't speak as she was by this point letting out belly laughs, she was on a tyrant of laughter, drawing mortified glances from the people that could see us. She had to walk away from me to collect herself, but she couldn't really do that as I kept putting on more and more beanies and making her look at me. She was crying by this time and could not stop laughing at me, she was purple. What the people around us must've thought! This horrible woman laughing at her poor daughter who is so obviously sick! Too funny! It was great, I couldn't stop laughing at my mum laughing, and we were quite a site. When I pulled the hat down, my ears stuck out and I looked like Dopey Smurf. It was funny and the fact that my mum was laughing like that at me was even funnier! It's okay to laugh with and even at 'sick people'. I find it comforting to know that as much as people change the way they interact with you, I could still count on my mum to be 'normal' with me. On any other day, she would've made fun of me and hasn't changed and she was unapologetic about it. That felt good. Anyway, it turns out the beanies aren't as bad as they were in the store. When I got home and told Shawn the story, we were looking for a hat so I could show him what I meant. I found a winter one and showed him with a "See!" followed by his "It's because you're not doing it right! Here, look, do it this way" and voila! It didn't look bad! "It doesn't go under your ears silly, it goes over, like this!" Okay, that makes sense, although now conversation is garbled as I can't hear with my ears covered, but that's how you wear it, I get it now. I may be able to pull off the beanie after all, thanks honey!!! :D

Kiss from a 'Rose'

SO much to say on her, but I'll keep it to this. Out of everyone in this world that is in my life, Laura is the one I want to impress the most. I care deeply about all my friends in different ways, and I'll probably share different angles on them in future, but this is about Laura. She is a third of our trio affectionately known as the "Golden Girls." Julie is Blanche, Laura is Rose and I'm so obviously Dorothy. These characters fit our personalities and our relationship very well and we hope to one day be old sitting around a kitchen table gossiping and sharing our lives just as we do today. The Golden Girls theme song played during mine and Julie's speech at Laura's wedding (but we walked to the podium to Eminem's "2 trailor parks girls go round the outside, round the outside...")
Laura is the kindest, most loving human being anyone will ever come across, and I am privileged to be able to say that she's one of my absolute best friends in the world. It's been this way for many many years and will be this way for the rest of our precious lives, I have no doubt about that fact. In high school, Laura was a very sweet, kind, popular girl (and she'll be sooo embarassed that I wrote that) which is kind of an oxymoron when referring to 'popular girls'! She had many friends, had a great social circle, and really cute boys after her constantly. Now, any of us that have been through high school knows kids can be cruel. There was one guy in particular who got picked on more than most. Everyone ridiculed this kid, unfortunately I think every school has the kids that get picked on more than others. This was that kid. Laura was one of the first of my friends in high school to have her own car, a tricked out white tracker (aptly named 'girlfriend'). Laura used to pass this boy in the mornings walking as she drove to school. On cold days, she would pull beside him and offer him a ride, but from what I remember, he always refused her. You see, to this boy, he would assume that a girl like Laura was simply doing it to make fun of him, or to then drive off on him laughing once he accepted. He didn't know Laura. She did this simply because it was cold, and she felt so bad for this kid that others made fun of him, he seemed like such a nice guy, personally I think she had must've had a 'geek crush' on him or something, I just didn't understand it. This is a purrrrfect example of Laura's mentality (oops, and mine). She's just always been like that, and that has not changed the whole time I've known her. That type of kindness is foreign to me (to this day I see my own neighbour walking around and have never offered her a ride). I'm going to comment on something else too, but unfortunately, unless you're in my immediate family or Laura's this won't make any sense to you, but Laura did something for me after I got diagnosed that I am not going to elaborate on, but let's call it the single most selfless gesture I'd ever been on the receiving end of, and against all my protests and fits, she did it for me anyway. She was taking a stand against me and was prepared to battle me on this, and stood her ground until I relented. She was so passionate about helping me with something that she knew I wouldn't stand for, and I know she went through anxiety leading up to "the gesture" but she did in fact win that fight, through my tears and frustrations that she wouldn't just leave it alone. Basically Laura made life easy for me during a tough time in a unique way, and we'll leave it at that. Laura is the girl that would donate a big sum of money anonymously, just because it would help, not for any personal recognition. I don't know how she lives her life so selflessly, it's such a foreign concept to me, yet I see it from her time and again. Julie and I constantly make fun of her for it, constantly, but really we're just both jealous that we don't possess those qualities. Sorry, Jules ha ha, but I know you won't mind me saying that! She's also a champion of fundraising for breast cancer, and this has nothing to do with her best friend getting diagnosed. It's always been this way. Every year she walks for breast cancer. I've been invited to walk with her every year and have never done it but she's never pressured me. Of course now she has a walking partner for all years to come! I'm referring to the Weekend to End Breast Cancer walk held in September in Toronto to support Princess Margaret (my hospital). You need to raise 2k to be able to walk, so she holds a huge pool party to raise the money not only for her to walk, but also for all the people that agree to walk with her. She does this for charity, for a cause that is close to her and her families heart as they've dealt with loss because of it. She does it despite comments like "why can't she just have a pool party instead of asking people for money" or "can't we ever have a party without it being about cancer?" She hears and is subjected to these abhorrent comments and does it anyway. She holds a huge hockey fundraiser every year as well to raise money for breast cancer. This is a huge undertaking and proves to be very stressful for her as there are a lot of moving parts when organizing something of that stature, but she does it and she does it by herself. Last year, she sheepishly asked me for a little assistance, which I'm sure was hard for her to do. Would I be able to maybe help her with getting together some prizes for the raffle? Sure, I'd do that for her. That I guess is my forte. I don't find contacting people/businesses I don't know difficult, I do it for work all the time, and I also like organizing events, and can say that I'm pretty good at it as I've had a lot of practice. In fact, that's what I've always wanted to do (event planning) so sure I can help her with this, it was coming up a few weeks after she asked me, I remember being at work when she asked and told her I'd definitely find her some amazing prizes for the raffle. I remember hearing her sigh of relief. I knew she'd be really grateful to have me help her with that, and she could count on me, I'm one of her best friends! Well, not only did I completely forget to do anything as far as prizes for her, I forgot the day of the event and I missed it. This is unfortunately typical of me (I don't remember birthdays either). I'd love to say otherwise and am working on changing that, but that doesn't make that statement any less true. I commit to things that I forget about all the time. I really would have had no problem doing this for her, but I couldn't do something as simple as put that in my calendar to remind me. Laura has never -not even for a second- made me feel bad about that. That's not her style. She would have justified my actions in her head and it would've been about me already being too busy and she may have even chastised herself for even asking me about to help in the first place. Unbelievable isn't it? I'm not exaggerating and any of you that know her will attest to this.
Well Laura, you now have my undivided attention for all fund-raising events, isn't it unfortunate that it took me getting this disease myself to help you? It's not a grand gesture now, it could've been had I helped you last year before my diagnosis but it's not now, that's something I have to live with about myself. It changes nothing about the fact that going forward, you and I are going to be an unbelieveable fund-raising team and are going to hold the most fabulous events and fund-raisers in the future. Your hockey fund-raiser is going to be a breeze for you because you now have me championing this alongside you and I'll handle all those aspects that you find difficult and I find fun and vice versa.

This is my solemn promise to you and one that I will keep this time.

Which brings me to last night. So I've just had a good cry about Jen's book, been touched very deeply by L's message to me, and now Laura's calling. "Oh good, you answered! Do you have plans for your birthday yet?" My 30th birthday is December 8th, it's on a Saturday a few months away. No, no plans yet. "Okay, you're spending it with me. My boss handed me 2 platinum seats to the leafs game the night of your birthday so I'm taking you." WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I never get to go to Leaf games! Doing a happy dance. But that's not all, these aren't just any tickets. These are section 109 row 4 tickets, platinum tickets; 4 rows from centre ice tickets; Toronto Leafs against Boston Bruin tickets! Great tickets to have! So so soooo excited!!! I cannot think of a better way to spend my 30th birthday! And again, going with the everything happens for a reason angle, I was supposed to be in Vegas that weekend and wouldn't have been able to go with her which would have been sorely disappointing. But now, no plans, this is what I am doing for my birthday now, yay yay yay!!! Oh, and to Laura's husband Bruce, thanks for not being mad at us that I get to go and you don't. And Laura said (but probably lied!) that you were fine with it and even encouraged her to take me so *mwah*! Hee hee! :)

When 'thank you' seems like a ridiculous thing to say...

Yesterday I did it, I made my story 'public' by posting my blog and allowing anyone to read it. Is it cold in here? I feel naked all of a sudden! ;-) I put a lot of thought into that decision and I do believe I've made the right choice. Within a matter of a day I've had many messages from people that I don't know telling me about their stories or commenting positively on mine. I've also had many more from people I do offering me positive words of encouragement. Thanks to those of you who have taken the time after reading this to tell me what you think or share your own experience. That's (one of the many reasons) why I'm doing this so thank you.

Now, I'll tell you what happened to me last night. First, I had a great dinner with an old friend, then I met up with another good friend at my house for a visit and a chat. She has a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer of the liver, I think she's only a year or two older than me. I don't want to write about her story for the fear I'll misquote, but Lina, I'm sending you my love at this time as well as a dose of courage, which I'm sure you don't need! :) I've referred a few times to Dr. Marla Shapiro, who has been labeled 'Canada's Doctor'. She writes articles about medical issues, had her own show on CTV as well as a frequent guest on e-talk Daily as well as a million other accomplishments before she was diagnosed at the young age of 48 with breast cancer. If you want to read her inspirational story her book is called Life in the Balance; My Journey with Breast Cancer. In my corner of the world, this book is apparently the Bible of cancer survival stories. I know this because I have been given repeated copies of it, and have been told about it a countless number of times. In my early days of diagnosis, this book sat in my room, on top of a pile of other books. I defiantly wasn't going to read it. I didn't want a reminder of what I was going through, and how is this woman I've never even heard of going to help me? I didn't need it, I was doing just fine. I'm like that a lot by the way, picture a kid with her arms firmly crossed across her chest and her eyes squinted with chin and bottom lip jutting out. That's me (foolishly) on a lot of issues. The first copy I received was from a friend from work, David. He sent me a copy with the flowers that were sent from work right after my operation. I was and am very touched that he did that for me. I have been inunudated with touching gestures; you'll hear all about some of them. Anyway, I wasn't done reading my John Grisham novel, I'm not putting that away just because I have cancer, does that have to invade my reading material also? It wasn't until about last week that I picked up this book, 2 months after receiving it for the first time. I finished the Grisham novel 2 books ago and didn't start a new one because now I'm gonna read the Dr. Marla book. At this point, I've received 2 more copies of the book. I've been told about it roughly 87 times by different people, and have now heard Dr. Marla's name a dozen times since receiving the first book. What is she (or the universe?) trying to tell me? Finally I caved. I had a bad 'poor me' episode the day before I picked it up to read. I got really angry, I started thinking about the 5 year outlook for me. I got caught up with the what-if's. I hate getting caught in the what-ifs, there's no power left in me after that line of thinking, I needed to reenergize. I started reading.
I finished that book in a day. I spent all day with that copy hugged to my chest, with a tissue box and a lot of head-nodding and laughs and a lot more tears. I loved that book! It's not just a book for 'cancer patients' it's for anyone who needs a dose of inspiration with an equal amount of humility and humour. I decided that I want to one day shake her hand and tell that for one full day, she made having cancer a whole lot easier on me. And every day since I've read that book, I cognizantly try to not give any energy to the what-ifs. She did that for me. Thank you doesn't quite cover that gift. I'll cry when I meet her. She's my celebrity that I want to meet (sorry Brad, you've been bumped outta top-billing there). She would roll her eyes at me saying I want to meet her I think, she doesn't consider herself special. I'd challenge her on that point. Anyway, the day after I read that book, my roommate Kit brought in a package from the mailbox that had been dropped off for me. It was a brown envelope, no card, just the Dr. Marla book. I laughed when I saw that. I love receiving this book just because I love that her book is being supported and that obviously so many people have felt the way I did after reading it. Anyway, it was from Jen. I used to work with Jen and we still remain in contact. She sent me a message to check my mailbox as she had her husband drop off the book for me on his way to work. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd just finished reading it so I wrote a very simple thank you to her over facebook. I didn't want to call her as I didn't want to fumble over my words about the book, I didn't want to lie and I knew I'd probably end up just telling her I had read it and I didn't want to take away from her beautiful gesture. That message was sent to her last week. Fast forward to last night. My friend Michelle was leaving and I said "Hold on, I want to give you something to give to Lina." What am I going to do with multiple copies of this book? The copy Jen gave me was on the table so I grabbed that to give to Lina, but just then as I was handing it over I noticed that Jen had written a note to me in the book. I didn't want to give away a copy that my friend had written a note to me in, so I asked Michelle to hold on while I went and searched through the rubble in my room and found another copy. I signed that book to Lina and told Michelle that Lina had to do the same with someone she came across that would draw inspiration from the book, that she had to sign it off to another. I don't imagine that anyone who gave me a copy would object to me doing this, in fact, I would think they'd be happy that I plan on making sure these books get some traction. Anyway, Michelle left and I sat down on the couch and picked up the copy that Jen had given me. Out fell a small card which obviously I hadn't seen until last night. I withdrew a card that says Thank You on the front and inside is the following:
Kelly,
Thank you for being you! (A great friend too)
As you know I really enjoyed hearing Dr Marla speak. So much so that I bought her book and told you I would give it to you. Then I heard that she was speaking again so I went and asked her to sign your very own copy. Please know you are in my prayers and think of you all the time.
Love you,
Jennifer

On the page the card dropped out was the following:
To Kelly
The strongest and bravest person I know
Jennifer

On the page before Jen's inscription was the following:
To Kelly _____-
Courage finds you when you least expect it-
Best-
Dr Marla Shapiro

This was too much for me to handle, I put my head in my lap and balled my eyes out (then Shawn was hugging me and didn't know what on earth happened!) but I couldn't keep it together. I cried harder over this then I did my diagnosis I think. I don't want to say thank you, that's simply not enough. Jen, you will never be able to appreciate just how much that meant to me, that you would take the time out of your day to go and do that for me knowing how inspired I would be by it. The fact that I have a signed copy of that book means the world to me. That I almost gave said copy away scares the crap outta me! :) I would've had to ask to have it exchanged for another copy which would've been uncouth but I would have done it anyway. Gestures will affect people in different ways and this gesture will be one I never forget. And the best is, Jen's probably wondering why I've never mentioned the inscription to her! She must find me rather ungrateful, ha ha ha! Jen, so not the case, I was just too chicken to tell you I'd already read it, but had I done that you surely would have told me about the personal aspect of the book. See, honesty is always the best policy!
Right after I composed myself from this, I checked my facebook messages and by the way, thanks to all of you for your constant encouragement and words of kindness, they are all appreciated. I got one message in particular from an old high school friend. I won't post her name as I didn't ask her permission (actually, I didn't ask Jen either but she won't mind), but the gist was that she was shocked by the news, she had read my blog and she found it inspirational and her hope was that many other young women who have been affected by cancer will read it and draw strength from it. The reason this message was different from other messages like it was because she also informed me she in now a doctor! She has seen countless patients go through what I am and she offered words of encouragement to me and regarding women being the champion of their own diagnosis, and even young women need to be aware of the dangers and to get checked etc. basically everything I feel. This message was very dear to my heart and it's coming not only from a doctor, but someone I really got along with in high school and always thought was such a nice, loving, wonderful person who was always smiling. To find out not only has she decided to do that with her life, but for her to be touched by me was a great honour. Thanks L! I really am thankful that you took the time to write to me and I was really affected by your message of strength. :)
The phone then rings. It's Laura. Have I told you about Laura yet? No, okay good, check out the next post to hear about that phone call as well as insight into my friend.

But how have people reacted to me blogging about my experience? Well, here's one of the most important people in my life commenting on it. I gave the link to my mum to read just yesterday (the same day that I made this public for all of you to read). When I opened my email this morning, here is what it found:

Hi Kelly,

I decided to write rather than call. I read your blog it took a long time because of course I was in tears the whole time. If this was written by a stranger I would have been very moved but because I know the writer it was more emotional. I think it is a very good thing you are doing. If it helps one other person to understand what it will be like to go through this journey I think it will be well worth the emotional effort of writing it. I really hope it helps some other young people. I know you are doing this for a number of reasons but I believe it will help you the most. You have always been very good at words verbally or putting them on paper. (Not my forte unfortunately.) It will be therapeutic to do this plus informative for others. It must be very hard for people who do not have the support you have from good friends and family. I am so relieved you have these people in your life. Your journey is just beginning and I’m sure there will be some bumps on the way but you know I will always be here for you in good times and bad. You have a very strong personality which should come in handy on the road forward. You are strong willed, with a positive attitude and if nothing else gets you through life, that will. I can wish and wish all I want that this did not happen to you, but it did and I cannot change that, but I also know that whatever is thrown at us that you are a survivor. I am very very proud to be your mother.

Love mum

okay. Whew, I can now see the keyboard again through the tears. THAT's my mum! How lucky am I? I can't speak for her as to how she's handling her only daughter having cancer, but I can show you those words, spoken by the mother of a survivor. I'm so proud of her! Oh great, I'm crying again, but anyway, to all curious about what you say to inspire a girl with cancer? There's a great example. Reading that made every word I have written worth it. Thanks mum!

Happy Thanksgiving!

What I'm thankful for:

I'm most thankful for my network of family/friends/coworkers who have weathered the storm with me

I'm thankful that my mum watches Milo when I feel too sick to do so and she lets me hang out on the couch and watch TV at their place while she takes care of all of us and that she has many many good friends to go to and talk to when she needs to

I'm thankful that my dad has been really strong and that he's taking really good care of himself right now and I'm very proud of him for doing that and I'm thankful that my dad has the support of his family and coworkers during this time

I'm thankful that my brother is healthy and that he's on the right path to finding his own happiness and that we're so close and that I've employed him as my part time psychologist. I've found that there are things I will never repeat out loud about myself (not even on this blog) and what goes on in my head that I can only tell my brother and I always feel so much better after I've talked to him

I'm so very thankful for having Shawn in my life and that he has managed to be my rock throughout this experience even though support for him has been noticeably absent. Our bond is still just as strong as it was before (stronger of course) and he is simply an incredible human being that I thank my lucky stars every night that he is lying beside me

I'm thankful to Shawn's mom for being in my life as well and for making us dinners and treats and taking Milo for long walks and for getting out there every weekend and doing a walk for a good cause and for walking in my name for the CIBC Run (walk) for the Cure

I'm thankful for my little grey monkey Milo who is just now a year old and at 75 lbs thinks he's a lap dog but he's a snuggler and I'm thankful for that and the unconditonal love that he has given me and that he hasn't seemed to notice or care about my drastic change in appearance

I'm thankful to my boss who has allowed me space to conquer this head on and has not pressured me at all about going to work physically (I switched to work from home), even though others at work are putting the pressure on to get me back in office before I'm ready

I'm thankful for my family that live in other parts of the world who I have become so much closer to during this time

I am thankful to my roommates Kit and Carol for making living at home 'business as usual,' for not treating me any different then before and never once letting me catch you give an odd look that I walk around a lot of days with no 'surgical bra' and only one boob and always whip off my hat and/or wig and chuck it on the table when I get home and that you put up with Milo being a pest on a daily basis

I'm thankful to my friends who have been a catalyst in my 'being normal' and to those of them that still break my b*lls and don't walk on eggshells around me and still make fun of me and joke around with me and simply engage me. Laura, Carm, Kat, Caroline, Julie(s) Joanna, Mari, Jess, Kel, Michelle, Kendra, Lisa. Thanks to all of you. To anyone I forgot, I'm looking forward to having my b*lls busted over it. :P

I'm thankful that having cancer really made it easy for me to define my true friends, and I'm thankful that this experience made some acquaintances become friends throughout this and I'm even more thankful for seeing that some people went from friend to acquaintance which is just as valuable to determine

And lastly, I'm thankful to myself for being strong enough to not allow the negative thoughts to be more than fleeting and for being able to look at the positive in all situations no matter how dire they seem on the surface

Happy Thanksgiving to All! What are you thankful for?

For the amusement of my friends, me trying to rationalize my look et al...

I'll blame the inception of the look I wear on my face on growing up and living in a 'bad' neighbourhood my whole life, taking whatever possible measures from grade 7 on to not get jumped, or even approached by girls/guys/groups/gangs, whatever. I had to coexist in my world and I did it well as so far so good. The look has to date kept menaces at bay, it's been touch 'n' go a few times but it's my thinking that the look has made some think the better of a confrontation against me. I don't look at my feet when I walk, I don't wear a half-smile, my head is always held up, my chin jutted, my stride with purpose, my eyes forward; I don't meander or lollygag. If you look at me, I don't immediately look away, I stare back as if to say "can I help you" but not in a good helpful way, it's in the sarcastic just wtf are you looking at? way. This was simply my reality at an early age and made me who I am today and I'd change nothing about how or where I grew up. I hate it when people say anything negative about my area of Scarborough which the media would label the worst area of Scarborough to live in, back then and now and by the way I still live in the area I grew up in, love it actually. However, to be smart and grow up successfully without serious unfortunate albeit avoidable incidents, this was crafted, the same way as I'm very aware of my surroundings when walking, hence the exceptional peripheral vision. I've had to walk through parks, woods, schools, catwalks, alleys etc by myself during the day but also in the dark at night from bus stops or friends houses or wherever, and I am now equipped to be very wary and very aware of what is happening around me and I can do this without it being obvious that this is what I'm doing. It's a skill and I've crafted it throughout my life, I'm so sorry to the offended but I do hold pride in it, regardless of how that is perceived. I wonder if this rant would come off as self-promotion, I can't see it from that angle as I'm the one thinking it, but it really doesn't matter I guess. I say most of what I say about my views from a matter-of-fact perspective as it just is and I am -to put this in it's mildest form-, a very blunt and forward person. Besides, they're my views to have right? It may not be someone elses ideal of how a person should think/talk/act but it is just how I am and the reason I have the friendships with the people I have. My personality is definitely an acquired taste and I'm fine with this fact, I actually am proud of it, sorry. I can say with 100% certainty that I love the people that surround me and I know they 100% take me as I am with no thought to change or mollify. They love me because of who I am, not in spite of who I am and I think that is a key point in why I have the friends I have and why I hold those few in the highest regard. I don't think I'd be the easiest person to get to know and/or get along with, and that is why the people that do know me and still accept everything about me are so very important to me. This may sound contrite to outsiders, it's not meant to and this will make sense to those that understand me and/or can relate to me and those are the people I'm doing this for as well as for myself. Anyway, that look is now just on my face when I walk around, it's just developed into what my face now looks like and although in my head I'm probably going through a grocery list or trying to figure out what's on the tube tonight, I may look like I bite.

And now I'm on a roll so I'll finally address this too:

Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but etiquette will tell you that there are some things to comment on about someone elses way of thinking and there are some you shouldn't. You can, but you shouldn't. For example: your opinion on my decision to share my experience of breast cancer with others. I am speaking soley to a few of you that are in contact with me and have felt the need to tell me that you find it weird (or aghast! inappropriate) the way I share my story, experiences, thoughts etc. as I'm too (insert whatever you want here). Everyone has every right to have their opinion, but if it's on me, I'm simply not going to change (I don't even want to!) and your views on the way I handle anything fall on deaf ears, but thanks for the amusement and fodder for later lunch dates with my girlfriends. Some felt it strange that I would publicly post what I'm going through on facebook or in a blog and more are appalled in the manner in which I speak of my experience. Why? This is my life, this is my new reality and with anything that comes my way, I'm gonna embrace it and hold on for dear life and ride the waves of emotions and everything else that goes along with it. But I'm gonna do it my way, which is honestly, and what I write or say may be tough to hear and my advice for anyone in that type of seat right now is either distance yourself from me or stop reading this right now. It won't get any easier or less wince-inducing, that I can promise you, because I don't know another way to be. I posted on facebook for many reasons and a few are that I want people to know what I'm going through (other than on the days where people say stupid things to me) I want people to see that it can happen to anyone, I want to educate people on what I'm going through, I want to be honest about just what does go on in the mind of a 'cancer patient', at least one like me, and I want to update everyone at the same time with the same information as it can get exhausting having to one by one, especially because I do have a lot of people in my life that either care a great deal about me or are curious to know how I'm handling this and what I'm going through. For all the same reasons, I've posted a public blog. There are people I don't want to read this that are going to read it. That was a possible reason for not doing it, but rational thinking prevailed there. Why would I care about those people? They're not who I'm doing this for and anyone offended can simply choose not to read this, or they can choose to get together with their friends and comment about how (insert something here) I'm being. None of that matters in my reality. All that matters are the friends who love me are getting to now really know what I have and am going through without me having to have that face to face discussion, which can sometimes be too hard (I won't be as honest about the reality of my diagnosis in that forum, I'll want them to think I'm strong or shield them from any negative thoughts on my part). Also, when people I'm not super-close with ask me questions, I'm not always honest with my answers about my feelings as I don't know them well enough to predict their reactions to what I say. Here is a way for those people to get truthful answers AND it's not face to face so their reactions to it and my reaction to their reactions is made inconsequential. So for all those reasons, I'm blogging.

Oh, sorry, but one other comment I should address:

"You should write a book!" I get this one a lot. I got this even before cancer. So, here it is, my book as I'm writing the chapters of my life it AND it's a free copy! Look, unfortunately, I'm not famous, I'm not a public figure, I'm not even terribly interesting, I'm just one girl who is going through something that affects millions of others too. But they're not going to buy my book. The only people interested in my thoughts I would imagine are my friends, and possibly others with similiar experiences so I don't want them to have to wait for the publishing of my bestseller, I'd rather them just hold my online hand during this journey and read what's going on with me as it's current so they no longer have to feel bad hounding me with questions about how I'm doing or hounding my close friends and family for the scoop. Now they can read all about it and it's a bit more voyeur this way than just asking me, which I know I enjoy so I'm assuming others will too.

Sidebar: For all you publishing houses or editors reading this, feel free to send me an email with what type of paycheque I can expect from my bestseller or I could of course write articles in your paper/magazine/website, again, just forward me what I can expect to make from it and we'll take my new found writing career from there... :P