For the amusement of my friends, me trying to rationalize my look et al...

I'll blame the inception of the look I wear on my face on growing up and living in a 'bad' neighbourhood my whole life, taking whatever possible measures from grade 7 on to not get jumped, or even approached by girls/guys/groups/gangs, whatever. I had to coexist in my world and I did it well as so far so good. The look has to date kept menaces at bay, it's been touch 'n' go a few times but it's my thinking that the look has made some think the better of a confrontation against me. I don't look at my feet when I walk, I don't wear a half-smile, my head is always held up, my chin jutted, my stride with purpose, my eyes forward; I don't meander or lollygag. If you look at me, I don't immediately look away, I stare back as if to say "can I help you" but not in a good helpful way, it's in the sarcastic just wtf are you looking at? way. This was simply my reality at an early age and made me who I am today and I'd change nothing about how or where I grew up. I hate it when people say anything negative about my area of Scarborough which the media would label the worst area of Scarborough to live in, back then and now and by the way I still live in the area I grew up in, love it actually. However, to be smart and grow up successfully without serious unfortunate albeit avoidable incidents, this was crafted, the same way as I'm very aware of my surroundings when walking, hence the exceptional peripheral vision. I've had to walk through parks, woods, schools, catwalks, alleys etc by myself during the day but also in the dark at night from bus stops or friends houses or wherever, and I am now equipped to be very wary and very aware of what is happening around me and I can do this without it being obvious that this is what I'm doing. It's a skill and I've crafted it throughout my life, I'm so sorry to the offended but I do hold pride in it, regardless of how that is perceived. I wonder if this rant would come off as self-promotion, I can't see it from that angle as I'm the one thinking it, but it really doesn't matter I guess. I say most of what I say about my views from a matter-of-fact perspective as it just is and I am -to put this in it's mildest form-, a very blunt and forward person. Besides, they're my views to have right? It may not be someone elses ideal of how a person should think/talk/act but it is just how I am and the reason I have the friendships with the people I have. My personality is definitely an acquired taste and I'm fine with this fact, I actually am proud of it, sorry. I can say with 100% certainty that I love the people that surround me and I know they 100% take me as I am with no thought to change or mollify. They love me because of who I am, not in spite of who I am and I think that is a key point in why I have the friends I have and why I hold those few in the highest regard. I don't think I'd be the easiest person to get to know and/or get along with, and that is why the people that do know me and still accept everything about me are so very important to me. This may sound contrite to outsiders, it's not meant to and this will make sense to those that understand me and/or can relate to me and those are the people I'm doing this for as well as for myself. Anyway, that look is now just on my face when I walk around, it's just developed into what my face now looks like and although in my head I'm probably going through a grocery list or trying to figure out what's on the tube tonight, I may look like I bite.

And now I'm on a roll so I'll finally address this too:

Look, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but etiquette will tell you that there are some things to comment on about someone elses way of thinking and there are some you shouldn't. You can, but you shouldn't. For example: your opinion on my decision to share my experience of breast cancer with others. I am speaking soley to a few of you that are in contact with me and have felt the need to tell me that you find it weird (or aghast! inappropriate) the way I share my story, experiences, thoughts etc. as I'm too (insert whatever you want here). Everyone has every right to have their opinion, but if it's on me, I'm simply not going to change (I don't even want to!) and your views on the way I handle anything fall on deaf ears, but thanks for the amusement and fodder for later lunch dates with my girlfriends. Some felt it strange that I would publicly post what I'm going through on facebook or in a blog and more are appalled in the manner in which I speak of my experience. Why? This is my life, this is my new reality and with anything that comes my way, I'm gonna embrace it and hold on for dear life and ride the waves of emotions and everything else that goes along with it. But I'm gonna do it my way, which is honestly, and what I write or say may be tough to hear and my advice for anyone in that type of seat right now is either distance yourself from me or stop reading this right now. It won't get any easier or less wince-inducing, that I can promise you, because I don't know another way to be. I posted on facebook for many reasons and a few are that I want people to know what I'm going through (other than on the days where people say stupid things to me) I want people to see that it can happen to anyone, I want to educate people on what I'm going through, I want to be honest about just what does go on in the mind of a 'cancer patient', at least one like me, and I want to update everyone at the same time with the same information as it can get exhausting having to one by one, especially because I do have a lot of people in my life that either care a great deal about me or are curious to know how I'm handling this and what I'm going through. For all the same reasons, I've posted a public blog. There are people I don't want to read this that are going to read it. That was a possible reason for not doing it, but rational thinking prevailed there. Why would I care about those people? They're not who I'm doing this for and anyone offended can simply choose not to read this, or they can choose to get together with their friends and comment about how (insert something here) I'm being. None of that matters in my reality. All that matters are the friends who love me are getting to now really know what I have and am going through without me having to have that face to face discussion, which can sometimes be too hard (I won't be as honest about the reality of my diagnosis in that forum, I'll want them to think I'm strong or shield them from any negative thoughts on my part). Also, when people I'm not super-close with ask me questions, I'm not always honest with my answers about my feelings as I don't know them well enough to predict their reactions to what I say. Here is a way for those people to get truthful answers AND it's not face to face so their reactions to it and my reaction to their reactions is made inconsequential. So for all those reasons, I'm blogging.

Oh, sorry, but one other comment I should address:

"You should write a book!" I get this one a lot. I got this even before cancer. So, here it is, my book as I'm writing the chapters of my life it AND it's a free copy! Look, unfortunately, I'm not famous, I'm not a public figure, I'm not even terribly interesting, I'm just one girl who is going through something that affects millions of others too. But they're not going to buy my book. The only people interested in my thoughts I would imagine are my friends, and possibly others with similiar experiences so I don't want them to have to wait for the publishing of my bestseller, I'd rather them just hold my online hand during this journey and read what's going on with me as it's current so they no longer have to feel bad hounding me with questions about how I'm doing or hounding my close friends and family for the scoop. Now they can read all about it and it's a bit more voyeur this way than just asking me, which I know I enjoy so I'm assuming others will too.

Sidebar: For all you publishing houses or editors reading this, feel free to send me an email with what type of paycheque I can expect from my bestseller or I could of course write articles in your paper/magazine/website, again, just forward me what I can expect to make from it and we'll take my new found writing career from there... :P