"I don't think you're dealing with it..."

I met with onco-surgeon on the Monday, he told me that I had cancer (thanks, your receptionist took care of that last week) and that the lump appeared to be relatively large. They needed to move forward with treatment asap, starting with a radical mastectomy. They’re not just removing the lump as unfortunately it was too big and too close to the nipple to simply remove it. They don’t think this is something that was caught early; I’ve apparently had it for years, although they can’t tell me how long. At that point I was still asking questions like how I got it, when I got it, what could I have done differently, but the truth is that these are the questions that never get answered. As far as they’ve come with cancer, that aspect still is a mystery and you just have to deal with it however you may. I’ve come to accept this as the reality of my diagnosis but it wasn’t easy to get here emotionally. I’ve learned a lot of myself from this journey and learning to accept what I cannot control has been a big change with me, but it was also an instantaneous change as so many of the changes with me have been. Anyway, back to my first cancer talk with my surgeon. His stance was we needed to act quickly. I was going to have surgery to remove my whole breast. Wow, that was a scary revelation. Then he was recommending that I go through chemotherapy as, because of my age, they wanted to do everything in their power to be sure they got all the cancer. The surgery would remove the tumour, the chemo will kill any microscopic lingering cells that they couldn’t see through tests, etc. Basically, I’m going through something as crazy scary as chemo as a precaution for the future?! But what do you do? I put my life in the hands of my medical team and hope for the best, don’t I? The next step is scheduling the appointment for the surgery.

Fast forward to my next appointment where he tells me when I have my surgery, it’s now scheduled for August 6th, about a month away. At this point, I’m taking all the news I receive in stride. Until of course, at this appointment when I’m being told about my surgery and how I need to prepare for the surgery, the doctor turns and says to me “I think that after surgery is when this news will hit you. I don’t think it’s hit you yet.” This is equivalent to him reaching over his desk and slapping me across the face. I’m listening during the rest of the appointment –kind of- but really I can’t wait to get the hell out of his office. I again find myself biting down hard on the inside of my ravaged lip and it isn’t until I get across the street that I finally release the tears. Shawn -even before the flood gate- knows I’m fuming inside. He says, are you okay darlin'? And out it all comes. I am so angry that he said that to me. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? I’m not dealing with the news that I have cancer? Really? Just because I’m not making his receptionists job difficult and still have the ability to make small talk and can still function by putting one foot in front of the other and I’m able to joke around with the staff does NOT mean I’m not dealing with it. I sit in the waiting room and wait to be called and when I am, I say thanks and walk in to his office. I ask him questions relevant to the topic at hand. He's my surgeon, not my bloody psychiatrist! I’m not showing my emotions in these appointments as if I can help it, I’d prefer to deal with the low points by myself. But rest assured, I do realize the enormity of the diagnosis. I have cancer and I can die. Many people die from what I’ve just heard. But how do you function differently than I am? I have cancer but I’m still breathing, I still can walk around and my mental state is perfectly fine, albeit constantly being tested by medical practitioners and their respective staff. How does he expect me to 'deal with it'? Do others walk into his office freaking out, turning in circles and rambling incoherently? Are they inconsolable when they hear the news? I'm just not like that, I try to maintain some composure of myself -especially in public- and I don't share what's on the inside with just anybody on their command. I'll share when I'm good and ready and with whom I choose, right? That hasn't changed about me; it won't change about me! Just how are you expected to act? I am so angry by his statement. I feel that I’ve been dealing with it very well, I feel that I’ve understood what has been told to me but I have chosen to not treat it as a death sentence and to be strong for those around me as well as myself. I'd like to think that when I do wake up in the recovery room without my right breast, I'll be thankful that I no longer have cancer, not feeling sorry for myself that I no longer have a useless boob! I've been actually proud of myself by how I'm 'dealing with it'. By him saying that to me, he took away my power. It can’t be that I’m dealing with it well; it’s that I’m just not dealing with it at all. What a careless thing to say to someone! Shawn immediately knew how upset what he said would make me, and I didn’t have to tell him why I was so upset, he knew. He said “He doesn’t know you darlin’, he had no right to say that to you. He doesn’t know how strong of a person you really are, he just sees you for 10 minutes every appointment and doesn’t know your character and how you are able to deal with this.” That helped a little but really Dr. ____, be careful how flippantly you make comments as ironically now I am really upset, and you’d think it would be from my diagnosis, not from my doctor giving my strength of character and will an unnecessary jab.