When 'thank you' seems like a ridiculous thing to say...

Yesterday I did it, I made my story 'public' by posting my blog and allowing anyone to read it. Is it cold in here? I feel naked all of a sudden! ;-) I put a lot of thought into that decision and I do believe I've made the right choice. Within a matter of a day I've had many messages from people that I don't know telling me about their stories or commenting positively on mine. I've also had many more from people I do offering me positive words of encouragement. Thanks to those of you who have taken the time after reading this to tell me what you think or share your own experience. That's (one of the many reasons) why I'm doing this so thank you.

Now, I'll tell you what happened to me last night. First, I had a great dinner with an old friend, then I met up with another good friend at my house for a visit and a chat. She has a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer of the liver, I think she's only a year or two older than me. I don't want to write about her story for the fear I'll misquote, but Lina, I'm sending you my love at this time as well as a dose of courage, which I'm sure you don't need! :) I've referred a few times to Dr. Marla Shapiro, who has been labeled 'Canada's Doctor'. She writes articles about medical issues, had her own show on CTV as well as a frequent guest on e-talk Daily as well as a million other accomplishments before she was diagnosed at the young age of 48 with breast cancer. If you want to read her inspirational story her book is called Life in the Balance; My Journey with Breast Cancer. In my corner of the world, this book is apparently the Bible of cancer survival stories. I know this because I have been given repeated copies of it, and have been told about it a countless number of times. In my early days of diagnosis, this book sat in my room, on top of a pile of other books. I defiantly wasn't going to read it. I didn't want a reminder of what I was going through, and how is this woman I've never even heard of going to help me? I didn't need it, I was doing just fine. I'm like that a lot by the way, picture a kid with her arms firmly crossed across her chest and her eyes squinted with chin and bottom lip jutting out. That's me (foolishly) on a lot of issues. The first copy I received was from a friend from work, David. He sent me a copy with the flowers that were sent from work right after my operation. I was and am very touched that he did that for me. I have been inunudated with touching gestures; you'll hear all about some of them. Anyway, I wasn't done reading my John Grisham novel, I'm not putting that away just because I have cancer, does that have to invade my reading material also? It wasn't until about last week that I picked up this book, 2 months after receiving it for the first time. I finished the Grisham novel 2 books ago and didn't start a new one because now I'm gonna read the Dr. Marla book. At this point, I've received 2 more copies of the book. I've been told about it roughly 87 times by different people, and have now heard Dr. Marla's name a dozen times since receiving the first book. What is she (or the universe?) trying to tell me? Finally I caved. I had a bad 'poor me' episode the day before I picked it up to read. I got really angry, I started thinking about the 5 year outlook for me. I got caught up with the what-if's. I hate getting caught in the what-ifs, there's no power left in me after that line of thinking, I needed to reenergize. I started reading.
I finished that book in a day. I spent all day with that copy hugged to my chest, with a tissue box and a lot of head-nodding and laughs and a lot more tears. I loved that book! It's not just a book for 'cancer patients' it's for anyone who needs a dose of inspiration with an equal amount of humility and humour. I decided that I want to one day shake her hand and tell that for one full day, she made having cancer a whole lot easier on me. And every day since I've read that book, I cognizantly try to not give any energy to the what-ifs. She did that for me. Thank you doesn't quite cover that gift. I'll cry when I meet her. She's my celebrity that I want to meet (sorry Brad, you've been bumped outta top-billing there). She would roll her eyes at me saying I want to meet her I think, she doesn't consider herself special. I'd challenge her on that point. Anyway, the day after I read that book, my roommate Kit brought in a package from the mailbox that had been dropped off for me. It was a brown envelope, no card, just the Dr. Marla book. I laughed when I saw that. I love receiving this book just because I love that her book is being supported and that obviously so many people have felt the way I did after reading it. Anyway, it was from Jen. I used to work with Jen and we still remain in contact. She sent me a message to check my mailbox as she had her husband drop off the book for me on his way to work. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd just finished reading it so I wrote a very simple thank you to her over facebook. I didn't want to call her as I didn't want to fumble over my words about the book, I didn't want to lie and I knew I'd probably end up just telling her I had read it and I didn't want to take away from her beautiful gesture. That message was sent to her last week. Fast forward to last night. My friend Michelle was leaving and I said "Hold on, I want to give you something to give to Lina." What am I going to do with multiple copies of this book? The copy Jen gave me was on the table so I grabbed that to give to Lina, but just then as I was handing it over I noticed that Jen had written a note to me in the book. I didn't want to give away a copy that my friend had written a note to me in, so I asked Michelle to hold on while I went and searched through the rubble in my room and found another copy. I signed that book to Lina and told Michelle that Lina had to do the same with someone she came across that would draw inspiration from the book, that she had to sign it off to another. I don't imagine that anyone who gave me a copy would object to me doing this, in fact, I would think they'd be happy that I plan on making sure these books get some traction. Anyway, Michelle left and I sat down on the couch and picked up the copy that Jen had given me. Out fell a small card which obviously I hadn't seen until last night. I withdrew a card that says Thank You on the front and inside is the following:
Kelly,
Thank you for being you! (A great friend too)
As you know I really enjoyed hearing Dr Marla speak. So much so that I bought her book and told you I would give it to you. Then I heard that she was speaking again so I went and asked her to sign your very own copy. Please know you are in my prayers and think of you all the time.
Love you,
Jennifer

On the page the card dropped out was the following:
To Kelly
The strongest and bravest person I know
Jennifer

On the page before Jen's inscription was the following:
To Kelly _____-
Courage finds you when you least expect it-
Best-
Dr Marla Shapiro

This was too much for me to handle, I put my head in my lap and balled my eyes out (then Shawn was hugging me and didn't know what on earth happened!) but I couldn't keep it together. I cried harder over this then I did my diagnosis I think. I don't want to say thank you, that's simply not enough. Jen, you will never be able to appreciate just how much that meant to me, that you would take the time out of your day to go and do that for me knowing how inspired I would be by it. The fact that I have a signed copy of that book means the world to me. That I almost gave said copy away scares the crap outta me! :) I would've had to ask to have it exchanged for another copy which would've been uncouth but I would have done it anyway. Gestures will affect people in different ways and this gesture will be one I never forget. And the best is, Jen's probably wondering why I've never mentioned the inscription to her! She must find me rather ungrateful, ha ha ha! Jen, so not the case, I was just too chicken to tell you I'd already read it, but had I done that you surely would have told me about the personal aspect of the book. See, honesty is always the best policy!
Right after I composed myself from this, I checked my facebook messages and by the way, thanks to all of you for your constant encouragement and words of kindness, they are all appreciated. I got one message in particular from an old high school friend. I won't post her name as I didn't ask her permission (actually, I didn't ask Jen either but she won't mind), but the gist was that she was shocked by the news, she had read my blog and she found it inspirational and her hope was that many other young women who have been affected by cancer will read it and draw strength from it. The reason this message was different from other messages like it was because she also informed me she in now a doctor! She has seen countless patients go through what I am and she offered words of encouragement to me and regarding women being the champion of their own diagnosis, and even young women need to be aware of the dangers and to get checked etc. basically everything I feel. This message was very dear to my heart and it's coming not only from a doctor, but someone I really got along with in high school and always thought was such a nice, loving, wonderful person who was always smiling. To find out not only has she decided to do that with her life, but for her to be touched by me was a great honour. Thanks L! I really am thankful that you took the time to write to me and I was really affected by your message of strength. :)
The phone then rings. It's Laura. Have I told you about Laura yet? No, okay good, check out the next post to hear about that phone call as well as insight into my friend.

But how have people reacted to me blogging about my experience? Well, here's one of the most important people in my life commenting on it. I gave the link to my mum to read just yesterday (the same day that I made this public for all of you to read). When I opened my email this morning, here is what it found:

Hi Kelly,

I decided to write rather than call. I read your blog it took a long time because of course I was in tears the whole time. If this was written by a stranger I would have been very moved but because I know the writer it was more emotional. I think it is a very good thing you are doing. If it helps one other person to understand what it will be like to go through this journey I think it will be well worth the emotional effort of writing it. I really hope it helps some other young people. I know you are doing this for a number of reasons but I believe it will help you the most. You have always been very good at words verbally or putting them on paper. (Not my forte unfortunately.) It will be therapeutic to do this plus informative for others. It must be very hard for people who do not have the support you have from good friends and family. I am so relieved you have these people in your life. Your journey is just beginning and I’m sure there will be some bumps on the way but you know I will always be here for you in good times and bad. You have a very strong personality which should come in handy on the road forward. You are strong willed, with a positive attitude and if nothing else gets you through life, that will. I can wish and wish all I want that this did not happen to you, but it did and I cannot change that, but I also know that whatever is thrown at us that you are a survivor. I am very very proud to be your mother.

Love mum

okay. Whew, I can now see the keyboard again through the tears. THAT's my mum! How lucky am I? I can't speak for her as to how she's handling her only daughter having cancer, but I can show you those words, spoken by the mother of a survivor. I'm so proud of her! Oh great, I'm crying again, but anyway, to all curious about what you say to inspire a girl with cancer? There's a great example. Reading that made every word I have written worth it. Thanks mum!