Paying it Forward is good for the soul...

Toy Drive for Sick Kids Hospital!!!

My 30th birthday is fast approaching! In 2 more weeks I’ll have hit that milestone! If I look at this last decade, I’ve changed immensely as a person. Where was I on my 20th birthday? I can’t even remember. Is that old age or chemo brain I wonder, lol?!

I remember turning 25 like it was the most devastating experience I would ever encounter. All through my teenage years and my early 20s, it was a big deal for me to reach a quarter of a century. That seemed so ancient! The day I turned 25 my family was vacationing in Panama. My dad took us there for my mum’s 50th birthday. His birthday is the day before mine and my mum’s is 4 days after mine, so it was a week of birthdays in my family. Actually, December 7th marks the start of a crazy workout for my credit card. We have my dad’s bday, then mine, then my mum’s, then Christmas. Boxing day is mine and Shawn’s anniversary, then we have New Years to fund, then a week later is both Shawn’s AND his mom’s birthday on the same day. Whew! Never mind me, how about my poor brother’s bank account? Craig’s birthday is literally at the very opposite end of the calendar, June 13th. Friday June 13th. I bug my brother about his birthday being so far away from ours all the time. It fits with all the other areas I rib him about, such as having black hair when all of us have light hair (my mum did have jet black hair in her youth though, a rationale I kept from my brother when he was younger and unable to use this point back at me, and I have (oops, had) light hair by way of a bottle, but semantics don’t enter my side of this argument obviously. We also have never found any of his baby stuff, like a baby book or cards about his arrival. They weren’t with the box of all my baby stuff that we found years ago in our basement, which meant he must’ve been dropped on my family’s doorstep I explained gently to him. I was horrible to my brother growing up. It’s a wonder he’s the well-adjusted young man he is today, truly. The psychological damage I inflicted during his childhood was hard to endure I assume. Can you imagine having me as an older sister? Today, sure, I’m a cool older sis, but when I was younger? I couldn’t stand the sight of my brother! Even when I was bored at home, I’d almost always choose my own company over Craig’s. When we did play together we always fought and never made it to the end of any game without him in tears or me storming off. I found our 2½ year age gap a huge obstacle in my youth. I think the worst part about this is Craig truly liked me I think. He actually wanted to hang out with me, and I always brushed him away. When he was really young, I’d sometimes wake up to find him standing at the entrance to my door during the night. I'd ask him what the hell he was doing, and he’d reply meekly that he was waiting for me to wake up to ask if he could sleep with me as he had a bad dream. I wasn’t always a horrible sister. I did sometimes allow the nightmare-free zone of the other side of the bed to comfort him. Sometimes I didn’t. On those mornings, I’d wake up to find him sleeping on my floor! I know, I know. That wasn’t even the worst of my torture, trust me; not even close. Before I get hate mail though, please understand that we have a wonderful relationship now. It just took twenty years! It was when we travelled to Scotland together when I was 20 and Craig was a few months shy of 18, and that trip was the beginning of the amazing connection we now have. Craig and I are extremely close and have been ever since then. We’ve worked together; hung out together as friends, travelled together and just genuinely enjoy each others company. I’m sure that has to do with missing out on each others company when we were younger. I don’t regret our early relationship as it’s laid the foundation for who we are as people today, and we’re both pretty awesome individuals, so no regrets, right?

The whole point of that rant was to talk about Sick Kid’s hospital. I’ve made mention to this before, but Craig spent time in their care when he was a young boy, around 5 years old if memory serves me. They took excellent care of Craig and fixed him right up. This is the hospital that I’ve always held in the highest regard because they nursed my brother back to health. I remember visiting him there and I remember how friendly the staff was to him as well as me. I mostly remember being so sad to see him there though, and all the other kids that were in there too. The hardest part was always leaving him overnight. He was so upset to not have us with him and I remember the elevator rides with my parents afterwards being especially difficult. Those memories never leave you. Those memories are what inspired me to initiate a toy drive for Sick Kids Hospital this Christmas. I can only imagine how difficult not spending Christmas morning in my parents house around their tree with my family would be and I’m (almost) 30! How about those kids that are going to wake up in a hospital bed on Christmas morning? I want to contribute somehow, so I figured what better way than to do a toy drive? I’ve started with swapping all birthday gifts from friends and family with toys for kids. I’ve requested that no one buy me gifts this year; I’d like to please receive gifts for kids of any age. They don’t have to be expensive, just fun! The dollar store has great gifts for kids, so even if you don’t have a lot of money, you can still contribute. $5 could buy 4 colouring books AND a pack of crayons! I’m having all the people close to me drop these off at my house before December 14th. I’ve also started a bit of a snow ball situation as now my friends are asking if they can do a toy drive at their workplaces and drop those toys off too for me to deliver. Good thinking so I’ve asked that my work do something similar and I’m going to go there to pick them all up too. I’m writing about this as I want all of you to also have a chance to contribute. Helping out others makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Cancer gave me the kick in the ass I needed to realize this fact. I wasn’t a big “donation-giver” before; I didn’t really ever go out of my way to take any fund-raising initiatives. I sometimes would give to my friend’s causes, but not always. It took me getting cancer to realize just how important this type of generosity is not only to those on the receiving end, but to the human spirit. If you want to do something truly selfish, help someone else out as it feels really good. So far, cancer has made me a better person on the inside, and I think if I can take anything positive away from this experience, that should definitely top the list of benefits. I actually care more. Kudos to all of you who care without having tragedy affect you personally! I wasn’t that person before but I am now and that’s really what matters. I think that type of thinking also comes with maturity. I do know that it’s never too late to start! If you’d like to contribute to this toy drive, please email me at kellysjourney@yahoo.ca and I’ll let you know how where to send the toys to. Or if you’re in the area of Scarborough, me or my cohort’s could meet up to pick up toys or can direct you to where to send them. Some of my extended family is sending us cheques to go and buy toys ourselves, and we’ll be making some toy-shopping trips around town in the next few weeks. Toys do have to be new and in their original packaging as they're going to a hospital. The point is, not only are you doing something special for children and their families at the time of year when no child should be doing anything but smiling and looking forward to Santa’s arrival, but you’re also doing something so good for yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe this, it’s true, I can attest to it, but that is your choice to make. For me personally, it makes me smile to do something for another now. I’ve realized the value of smiling so I’ll do more and more to make myself smile instead of scowl. I’ve frowned enough for one lifetime I think. There’s simply no more room for it in my highly-valued life.

For ideas on toys, you can visit this link:

http://www.sickkids.ca/EntertainmentandDonations/section.asp?s=Donations&sID=8878&ss=Beneficial+Toys+and+Items+for+the+Hospital+Environment&ssID=17871

Thanks! : D

It looks like my future will involve petting tigers, riding elephants and smelling ratchaphrueks after all!!!

I've mentioned this before, but it's now very important for me to keep setting long term goals. I've learned more about my prognosis lately and I'm now able to even type that as I've been a little upset about it this week, hence the absence of posts. I know that a lot of people who read this think that I'm so strong to be able to deal with this etc., but I do get very upset about the fact that I have a 48% chance of seeing 40. I can also look at it in a positive light (no one knows that they'll see tomorrow, let alone 10 years away), but I have my days when this simply devastates me, don't think otherwise. The other day I was on the phone with a friend talking about plans for my upcoming birthday and she said "I'll bet you're not dying to turn 30, right?" I wonder if she immediately wanted to take that comment back. I hope so. I try and just shut my eyes for a second and breathe when people make comments without thinking first how they're received, and I have to forgive this on a daily basis as I realize that people of course don't mean to be careless with words, but yes, in fact, I'm dying to turn 30. I'm looking forward to every birthday I have in my future. I'll cry if I get to 40, but not because I'm sad that I'm getting older, it'll be because I beat the 'odds'. It sucks, sure, it might be hard to read for those of you reading it, but it's still true nonetheless. People that have gone through cancer I'm guessing are similar to me. You no longer think of getting old as a burden, you no longer have those "I don't want to grow old" thoughts; you welcome the opportunity to do so. At 29 I don't know how long my future will be, but I know that I've had to think such thoughts younger than most do. My prognosis is really just a bunch of numbers, I'm trying not to put stock into a bunch of numbers. I mean, there was a less than 1% chance of me getting cancer at this age, so I'm the last one who should look at playing the odds, right? But I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't come into play when thinking about my future plans, it's just simply a reality I live with now. Anyway, I'm fine to grow old, bring it on, I'm not upset about it in the least. I'm looking forward to 30. Then 31, 32, you get the picture... I do get extremely upset about what I'm going through, but I am lucky to be able to -for the most part- look at it objectively. I'm still an optimistic realist. :) My positive days far outweigh my negative ones so I try not to beat myself up too bad when my mind goes through its destructive phase. It's normal on some level I'm sure.
So, back to long term goals. I now have the travel itch back. This was muted a bit when I got together with Shawn as he's never been that interested in travel and we weighed all our wants with needs back when we bought a house together, and discussed what was really important to us as far as building a future together. I mean, he changed his profession back when he realized that he wanted to eventually start a family with me one day. He knew that massage therapy would only get him so far before his hands were ruined, and then what would he do to provide for his family? So he decided to get involved in his current profession, which is... I'm not even sure what you'd call it. His boss is a landscape architect, and Shawn builds stone decks, columns, stairs, etc. He's not in landscaping but he's not a stone mason either. Anyway, he loves it and that's all that matters! He is doing this so that in the long run, he'll have a career in it and be able to one day start his own business. I love that he's gotten into a trade as that's where the money is (and tradesmen are so hot!), but first you have to put in your time. We agreed that for the first few years, I'd be bringing in the bucks and he'd learn his trade, so that in 5ish years, when we'd be ready to start the family, he'd be far along in his field and I'd be making big money by then too. But we'd be okay if I took time off to have babies at that point.

This summer our whole long term plans went up in smoke. Not to say that our future will not play out that way, but there have been unforeseen obstacles let's say. For example, I've moving further and further away from my thinking of having children. That is such a crazy paradigm shift for me, truly. It's not something I've ever questioned until now, but I just no longer know if that's in the cards. Even when I realized I may not be able to physically have children, I knew I'd adopt. I no longer am so sure about that either. I'm not saying I won't, just that I'm not as sure as I once was. I can't imagine not having kids in my life, but I don't think I imagined dealing with cancer and my own mortality at the age when I'm supposed to be thinking about a wedding and babies and other such things. You just never know what life throws at you. And then there's the biological versus adoption question. If I am able to get pregnant after all this, will I even want to? I remember not to long ago when the most devastating news of my diagnosis was whether I'd get to carry a baby. It's really not that devastating anymore. Would I even chance trying to have kids? What if I passed cancer on to them? This is I'm sure why I haven't gone for genetic testing yet. They at the hospital(s) keep asking me if I'd done it yet, but I keep saying I will even though secretly I'm not sure if I'll ever get this done. Do I care to know? I don't see the point of knowing unless I plan on having kids. So if I'm even able to have children and if I decide I may want to get pregnant then I'll go and get tested. Besides, I'm not supposed to really try for kids in the next 3-5 years anyway. That is when I'm at my highest risk of recurrence and being pregnant can up your chances of a recurrence so I won't be taking that chance during the next period in my life. And then once that period passes, then what? Who knows? Will I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of kids and all the complications that will go along with that? Do I tell my hypothetical kids that I have had cancer when they get to that age of understanding and scare the crap out of them? Or do I not tell them and have them resent me for not sharing the news if I get a recurrence or worse, I'm not there for them when they realize I knew this day would come all long and they live with that? Do I leave Shawn with kids to take care of when I have no life insurance and will now never qualify for any? Shawn, the one who never wanted kids until he started dating me? Is that fair? Does that now fit in to my new reality? Or do I not have kids, live to be 60, and regret having spent the latter of my life preparing to die instead of living? Who has these answers? I just have no idea but all of this weighs me down on a regular basis, don't kid yourselves.

The one thing I have taken out of this is that I want travel in my life. I received an email from my aunt in Spain last week, and this prompted my thinking about travelling again. She was describing her leisurely travels with my uncle through Europe, and I remembered how for most of my life I've wanted that too. I've always wanted to see Europe and more than that, I've always wanted to experience Thailand. I was so jealous that my parents took that trip before I did. I've always wanted to go to Thailand but was resigned to the fact that it probably wouldn't happen. It's so expensive and I couldn't really justify that expense when we're buying a house to renovate and we're saving all our money for that, then we'll be saving all our money for a wedding, then saving all our money for a family, etc. That's how it goes, right? You don't take a few thousand dollars out of that dream to go off to Thailand just because you want to. That's selfish. Well, I'm back to wanting to go to Thailand and now I'm pretty sure I'm going to, selfish or not. I'm not going to deny myself that itch that's been bothering me forever. I'll be going to Thailand one day. It's now back on the top of the list. I decided to break the news to Shawn the other day. We were sitting quietly, and I was thinking how I'd tell him that one day soon I'm going to Thailand with a friend and he'd have to deal without me for a few weeks and he'd have to be okay with me spending the money to do so. I didn't have a specific friend in mind, but I knew of about 5 friends that if I mentioned this trip to, they'd be all for it. Right then he asked me what I was thinking, so I told him that I'd been thinking about travelling a lot again, and I really really wanted to go to Thailand. I was rambling my rationale and he just listened. Then after I paused to take a breath, he said "Well, we can't just do Thailand. We have to see other places too if we're going to do a trip like that and I just don't want it to be all Asia. What about Europe?" I was incredulous. "WE?!" "Since when have you wanted to travel?" Well, he said, he would love to see other parts of the world, there was just many other things that previously took precedent. Shawn doesn't love to fly, and he also doesn't love the water, so I thought travel was the last thing he wanted to do. But he said that his thinking lately has changed too, and he'd really like to experience other places, and he'd like to do that with me. I was so touched and so very grateful to hear him say this! But I wasn't convinced this was anything more than him appeasing me at this moment. Remember I'm the one who throws dinner in the oven with reckless abandon without first preheating the oven completely while Shawn runs behind me taking it out saying you have to wait until the little red light turns off. This is us in a nut shell. If he's agreeing to Thailand and even suggesting a tour of Europe first, I need to make this a reality while I have that window of opportunity. So I say when, assuming now is when Shawn will say that once we get all our debt paid off, and once we save enough for x, then we can start to squirrel away for a trip, etc. This is not what I heard at all. He said, how much would it cost, $15,000? I state of course not! I think we could do 2 weeks in Europe & 1 week in Thailand for half that! He said, okay, if that's the case, then if we get our debt paid off and then save $3000, we could put the rest on credit and do it. I can't believe my ears. There is no one in the world that I would want to travel anywhere with more than Shawn and not only is he expressing interest in this but also thinking of how it can be a reality and planning accordingly. I want to cry at how much I love this man! So that's settled. Once I get healthy and am able to get back to work, I'm going to plow away and save my pennies to pay off our current debt, which isn't that bad, then I need to put 3k in the bank and then I can book our tickets to Europe with a jaunt to Thailand. Hee hee! This is such great news and I think about it all the time. It keeps me motivated to see the longer goal and just keep looking at that instead of anything else. I'm pretty sure I'll get to see Thailand and many other beautiful places along the way. And who knows where we'll go after that if Shawn enjoys seeing the world! What I do know is that everyone has a list of things they want to do and see in their life, and that is one of mine. So to get to cross that off the list and have that experience and then start to plan the next one? What more could I ask for out of this life?

I'll huff and I'll puff and blow this house down!

I've had an interesting week emotionally. I've been up, down and sideways with my thinking. Yesterday I had an appointment in Oshawa as I want to try and go there for my radiation treatment in January instead of Princess Margaret. Princess Margaret is just too far to get to everyday during radiation, and I'd have to pay $20 every time I parked, which will equate to $500 in parking alone after my 5 weeks of rads. Or I can go to Oshawa, which is the opposite direction of the city hence traffic won't be as bad and I can get a monthly parking pass for $60. I'm sold. I went there yesterday and met with the doctor who will oversee my radiation treatment. He was alright, but he kept talking over my questions, which was annoying. Shawn could tell I was getting angry as I received the knee squeeze, but it is amazingly frustrating that you get one chance at a sit down to answer all your questions and he kept cutting me off to start his explanation when he clearly didn't understand half of my questions as he didn't answer them all. Anyway, whatever, I'll be going to Oshawa it looks like, which is a good thing in my eyes, so I can ask my questions as I go I guess. At this point I'm pretty sick of doctors, nurses and their staff. I ran head first into yet another ‘receptionist wall’ at Princess Margaret. It must be me; I’ve resigned to that fact now. I felt I was getting sick earlier in the week, so everyone around me is freaking out; if you've been reading my blog you'd know it can be extremely dangerous for me to get sick while undergoing chemo, and I have my 5th treatment next week and the last thing I need is for it to get delayed due to low blood counts, so I've been stressed and upset about this naturally, compounded by me being sucky anyway as I’m just like that when I get sick. Shawn has been fussing a lot around me as I'm getting sick, and he was harassing me about calling the hospital to find out what to do if I get any worse. Every day he asks if I've called yet and every day I say 'nope.' I decided to finally stop driving him insane so the other day I find the sheet with all the contact numbers and start dialing. I've gone through this before. I've called through this list of numbers before and didn't get any answers or even a live person to ask a question to. So here we go again. I can page my doctor’s nurse, which I've done twice before and haven't got a call back. I could call my doctors receptionist, but they also don't answer the phone at that office, you just leave a number and they'll get back to you, but I don’t need to speak to his receptionist, I need to talk to a doctor or a nurse. I just wanted to ask a question! All I want to know is at what point I'm supposed to go to the hospital if my cold worsens. But of course this is going to be a trying task, isn't it? I let out a long sigh and call my doctors receptionist. The message states that if it's an emergency, go to the emergency room or to speak with a doctor press '0' and ask to speak with the doctor on call. There is also this option on my sheet, but I figure I'd exhaust my other options first. Now I press '0' and when the hospital operator says "Princess Margaret Hospital," I state, "I'd like to speak with the doctor on call please." The receptionist says "what for?" I can feel the blood start to rise already. I say "I have a question to ask a doctor." "Regarding what?" is the response, followed by "This is a cancer hospital ma'am; we deal with cancer patients here and I need to know why you're asking for a doctor" to which I state exasperatedly, "I have cancer, I am a cancer patient at the hospital and I have a question regarding cancer. Can I please speak with the doctor on call?" "Ma'am, I need to know why you are asking for a doctor; I can't just connect you to one. I need to know that you're a patient that has a question regarding canc-" I snap back, "And you now know all that, can I talk to a doctor now?!" "Ma'am, there is no need to be rude, I'm just asking..." I don't know what else she said as by now my cell phone is away from my head which is buried in my lap. I am soooo sick and tired of getting talked to like this. "WHAT FOR???" Could this perhaps have been formulated in another, more patient-friendly way? If the receptionist has to find out if I am a patient of the hospital before connecting just anyone to a doctor, maybe a better question than "what for?" could be, "can I get your MRN number?" This is your patient number and that would have answered all the questions she'd have, no? She'd then deduce that I was in fact a patient at the hospital and she could find out on her little computer who my doctor is as well as my nurse and then figure out how to help me. That is her job when answering the phone, is it not? I am getting sick and getting emotional about that as it's a different kind of stress when you're told sneezing/coughing could be life-threatening and I simply don't want to tell the receptionist what is wrong with me. Is there no privacy anymore once you are diagnosed? I'm not sure what difference me telling her about the exact reason I was calling would have accomplished. I would still have needed to talk to a doctor, so why do I have to divulge this information about myself to the lady that answers the phones? I was instructed to do exactly what I did, which is press '0' and ask to speak to the doctor on call. I hear her say something once she is done chastising me about connecting me and I wait. And wait and wait. The games these receptionists play! 9 minutes later (yes I watched my clock) the same power-tripping receptionist comes back to tell me there is no doctor on call during business hours. This is great news, isn't it? Also something I'm sure she knew in the first minute of me being on hold, but such is my punishment for not doing things her way I guess. I can't talk to my doctor, or any doctor to ask these questions. Apparently questions are reserved for scheduled appointments only. I'm distressed. I'm told that getting a cold can be life-threatening to me, yet I can't find out any information about what to do from my medical team. The receptionist to her defense does ask me if I know the name of my nurse so she can page her and I tell her as well as ask her name. I only did this in the hopes that by doing so she wouldn't leave me on hold quite as long, not because I'm planning on complaining about her. It kind of worked I guess as I did get to talk to my nurse after another 6 minutes. Although by her tone with me she had spent at least 3 of those 6 minutes listening to the receptionist complain about a very rude young lady she had on the phone for her. I was told that if my temperature reaches 38 degrees, or if I cough up phlegm or if I get hot sweats, I may have an infection and I will have to go to emergency for antibiotics and any other treatment they'll need to adminster. Other than that, stay inside away from people, get under a blanket and drink a lot chicken soup. I'm now a few days into my cold and it hasn’t been that bad, knock on wood. I’m so proud of my little immune system! I’ve handled chemo astonishingly well to date, I’ve got a cold but it hasn’t got that bad where I need to be hospitalized as my immune is still obviously fighting for me. I'm wondering if maybe the super dose of steroids is also contributing to my not-too-bad cold? I even got my period a few weeks back! That was shocking and welcomed. Hadn't seen that in a while, but there she was. Even my ovaries aren’t taking my diagnosis lightly! In fact, my whole body is fighting for me and I am very grateful to it as emotionally, my mind seems to be working against me right now. The highest my temperature got to was 37.6 degrees, but didn't go above 38, so I didn't have to go to the hospital. Actually, I did have to go there to pick up my films for my radiation appointment which the receptionist at Oshawa told me I'd need to bring to my appointment, which was also stressful. I was trying to not touch anything or talk to anyone and only breathe through my shirt and held my breath on the elevator, all to go and get films that the radiologist didn't even look at or ask me for! *sigh* I'm so done with all this. I can't wait until it's over and I don't have to deal with any hospital staff or doctors that don't listen or cold, rude receptionists or a compromised immune system or being babied or having to deal with all the questions and stories that people share with me just because I've had cancer. I can't wait until I'm just another face in the crowd again and my conversations get back to what they were and I get my independence back. That'll all be very nice.

Shawn's arm or chicken noodle? I could go either way

It's now been a week since my 4th treatment. They've changed up my meds for the latter half of treatment, I'm now on Docetaxol. It was a much shorter day at the hospital last Wednesday. Craig came with me and I got in pretty much right away. They had a bed "pre-ready" for me, which was a first. Maybe because it's a new medication? Dunno, but not questioning it either! For this drug, I had to get the drip slowly at first so they can monitor any reactions. If I feel nauseous immediately or cold or if my heart races, yada yada yada, they need to be careful. Anyway, I had no reactions so they were able to open the drip and allow it to get into my veins faster. It only took just over an hour to administer as it was only one bag of drugs instead of a whole tray of bags and syringes, so in and out and home less than 3 hours after we left the house! Superb!
The first few days were uneventful; I thought maybe I was going to coast through this one, but I didn't want to celebrate until at least a week passed. I'm on more steroids with these doses; I have to take them for 3 days, 24mg a day of Dexamethasone! That's a lot! Just to put that in relative terms, a 'shock dose' of this drug is administered at 4 to 8 mg intravenously initially, to a total dose of 24 mg. I get that dose in one day for 3 days total!
Long term therapy would have you ingest only 0.5 to 1.5 mg per day. 1mg per day is body-building dose, which is a 24th of what I take orally in a day. So if this is the case, then we could logically state that a body builder would take an average of 1 mg a day for 64 days. 2 months to make it easy. So what someone looking to bulk up will take over 2 months is what I get in just 3 days. And this repeats every 3 weeks for me. Please take this in consideration when wondering how I've gained so much weight so quickly! It's said to avoid more than 1.5 mg daily, because serious side effects are more frequently encountered with higher doses. Some side effects? Here they are from my info sheet on this drug: Increased appetite leading to significant weight gain (check), muscle atrophy (check), negative protein balance, psychiatric disturbances including personality changes, irritability, euphoria, mania (certainly possible but I'd be the wrong person to answer this) hypertension, fluid and sodium retention, edema, dependence with withdrawal syndrome is frequently seen. This last one not so much, but let's talk about appetite. Raise your hand if you picture someone going through chemo as wrapped in a blanket on a rocking chair really sick and tired and sucking chicken broth through a straw which is usually forced by a care giver. Okay, fair enough, the same as I pictured too.
Now picture this.
On Saturday morning I woke up at about 6am. Before my eyes even opened, I was thinking about what to eat. I should let you know here that a part of that scenario isn't strange, ie: me waking up at the crack of dawn. I'm so annoying like that. I'm sure that most would be surprised to know I'm a chipper morning person. I wake up early every day, regardless of whether I need to work. Before this summer, I'd say waking up between 7:30am-8:30am on weekends was the norm. Now it's closer to 6:30am-7am. I get out of bed when Shawn goes to work during the week, which is about 6:45am. I don't want to, I just have no choice. I'm not able to go back to sleep once my mind starts, which it does every morning at this time. There are exceptions, such as today when I didn't get up until 8:50am and I'm in the best mood as I feel I've slept in! I've dealt with some type of imsomnia throughout my life so that's kind of prepared me for what I'm going through now. Not only do I wake up early, but I'm ready to start my day, I want to talk about everything and my mind races the most during this time, much to Shawn's dismay. It doesn't need to be said that morning and Shawn aren't friends; they just don't get along at all so they avoid each other. Okay, he has his days where he's got up early too, but he'll be affected by that grand gesture mid afternoon. I on the other hand don't nap, ever. I wish! Some people tell me that'll change later in my treatment or while undergoing radiation, but we'll see.
So, as usual, on this morning, my mind is going in a hundred different directions before my eyes open, and the streaming thought is: I want chicken noodle soup. Now. I want it now. Chicken noodle. A big steaming cup of it. The Lipton's kind that is really salty and comes in a package, not a can, with the little noodles. I need to eat that. Right now. Wait, it's not even light out yet! Doesn't matter; it's between the soup and Shawn's arm that is draped over me. I throw the covers off, grab Milo, head downstairs to prepare the coffee maker for Shawn (for 5 hours from now) and get the pot for soup out. Rip open the package, start the process. It's still dark outside, I'm not joking. I was ravenous and couldn't heat it up fast enough! Normally when I make this soup I'll beat an egg and add that during the last minute of cooking for extra protein and flavour, but no eggs today; there simply wasn't time! Just the soup. I was so happy and excited when I finally sat down on the couch and wrapped myself up in a blanket and spooned in the soup. It was so good! I finished all of it, the whole package, which is a litre of soup! It wasn't even 7am yet. I lay on the couch for the next few hours watching my recorded episodes of Grey's Anatomy while fighting with Milo for space. My dog is ridiculous. He's about 80lbs now and really believes he's a lap dog. It's no longer cute. He won't simply lie beside me, it has to be on top of me, but he does this in a way where you don't want to move him, let's out the big sigh while nuzzling into your neck. That's when it's cute, pictured here.

It's not when you get a paw across the face as he's digging his elbows (is that accurate canine terminology?) into your ribs, pictured more accurately here.

And he piles himself on top of you instead of beside you; an especially dangerous move while you're sleeping! I mean, there's room on the couch for two comfortably but with Milo it's 3 on the couch and only one of us -the non-human family member- is comfortable.

It's especially charming when guests come over to relax and unwind with a nap on the couch, pictured here with Carm.

Poor dog, he tries to compromise occasionally by simply working around us and is known to offer valuable insight into my work, pictured below with me.

Anyway, by 9am, I'm on the couch with Milo and I'm starving again. Now I'm thinking about the left over souvlaki I had from the night before. We got take out from the Ballroom (a bar Shawn used to frequent a lot) last night. They have awesome souvlaki, so we both ordered the large souvlaki with rice and roast potatoes. I used to order the small, but the quality of souvlaki isn't as good and I just make it two meals. Miraculously I didn't lick the plate last night so I still have some left (must've been thinking about dessert). It's not even double digits in the morning yet and I'm about to have my 2nd breakfast. Breakfast being an appetizer of 4 cups of chicken noodle soup followed by souvlaki, rice and roast potatoes. I'm trying to be deadpan while writing this, but how crazy is this to picture? This is my life and the consequence is my body image right now, but I can't deal with everything all the time. I didn't have any choices as far as I could tell either. It was about ingesting all of this or else turning to cannibalism. I've never had hunger like that ever! It was scary! Picture my hands wrapped around the plate of food similar to Gollum from Lord of the Rings looked while holding the ring or "his precious." Never seen the movie? Here you go (drawing taken from angryflower.com)

And it simply would not subside. I mean, right after I ate, I wasn't hungry, every time I felt sick and then thought okay, that'll be it for a long time. But the hunger would return a few hours later. This has gone on to a degree surrounding every treatment, but the last one was the worst! Why can't I crave salad and broccoli and oatmeal? It's just got to be carbs and meat, salt and sweet! *sigh* Carm will certainly have her work cut out for her in the New Year when I go to her and tell her to get all this weight off me! :P But it will happen, I have to be patient and get through my now and worry about my next year, well, next year.

On my Island with my Mandala

So its now Saturday afternoon. We have all congregated back into the big hall and we're awaiting a doctor to come out and talk with us. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on him as a) I wasn't very impressed with his presentation and b) I want to write about my last workshop. The reason I say I wasn't impressed with the doctor would probably be the same reason I wasn't impressed with my Naturopathy presentation: both 'lectures' were given by Doctors and not presenters! The guy today was all about his way too small to read slides, and was extremely morose. My table was pretty upset by his presentation although I was mostly able to scoff at it and roll my eyes instead of get upset. He had these tiny nonsensical slides that were put up on a little off to the side screen with lines going all different ways and I really had to try and keep it together as I found it so dull and boring that it was almost entertaining. He talked about how important early diagnosis is and how we have to be the champion of our own lives, and I find myself again scoffing and now getting really angry about this. This talk brings me back to me walking into the mammogram office with a requisition from my Doctor and still being turned away; how on earth are we as young women supposed to get diagnosed early when even when there is something wrong we're turned away because of our age? We know that breast cancer is more aggressive in younger women and we also know that mammograms are frowned upon when you're under 40, so riddle me this? How do we fix this obvious disconnect? What I also didn't like was that we weren't warned about the information he was going to be sharing. A lot of pictures of surgeries and scars I didn't want to see and stats that I wasn't prepared to hear in this surrounding. No matter, they didn't really bring me down but I was more upset by the girls around me that were obviously distraught about it. The sobering part for me was the poll he decided to take. In this room of approximately 200 breast cancer survivors, he asked us to stand up if we were diagnosed under 25. Two women stood up. One was at my table. I think she was over 30 at this point, but had been diagnosed 3 times before her 30th birthday. The next group was the diagnosed under 30 group, and this is where I leave my seat. I don't think I wanted it affirmed at that moment that even in this room of this many people that are in the same boat as me, and even though this is the Young Women's Conference, I was still one of about 12 people if that, that stood up. I found that a hard stat to take in about myself. The reality that what I have is indeed extremely rare. Even the other women that stood up were much older than me; they weren't currently going through treatment and may have been diagnosed under 30 but were much older now. It was good to see that these women are here today of course, but made me feel that, even in this room where I fit in the most out of any other group, I'm still on an island, aren't I?



The rest of Saturday motored on, I met some more interesting people and the night was a dance party with Salsa Dancers in a lounge type setting with big plush white couches in big square sectionals so everyone could relax and chat and drink and eat and watch the dancing. Rethink Breast Cancer put this on it was a really good time, but I didn't stay too long as it was an emotionally draining day and I couldn't wait to go home and see Shawn and Milo as I hadn't been home since Friday morning.



It is now Sunday and I met up with the girls at breakfast, and we were hanging around, slacking as usual, until we realized that -yet again- we were running late for our next seminar. Tracy and I are heading off to 'Mandala: A reflection of self,' Katie's off to yoga and the others in our group went their own ways. When Tracy and I arrived, we peaked through the crack and realized it would be hard to sneak in as the group was already formed in a semi circle and we'd be walking right into the middle of it. As we're both goofing around trying to get the other one to go in first, this other lady comes around the corner, looks at us strangely and walks right in. So we pull ourselves together and follow suit. We're not sure what we've missed but we get into the circle and follow along. We are immediately thrown into a visualization which has us close our eyes, relax our bodies and listen to the instructor. Tracy and I decide not to sit beside each other as all we'll do is crack up the whole time, and we want to actually get something out of the experience! Just like yesterdays meditation class, I find this visualization really relaxing and calming. I liked it. We're told not to think too much about what our brain is envisioning, and I am able to simply let the words of the instructor take over and am seeing what I feel I am being told to see. The only way to describe this is that I envision this orb kind of top right of my vision. It pulsates and grows brighter and dimmer, brighter and dimmer, on and on. I feel a type of rush as I concentrate on this orb, as well as concentrate on what the instructor is saying, and I have a sense of floating deeper in my subconscious. I'm actually able to do this, unbeknownst to me. Then it is time to open our eyes. This is when I notice that behind us on tables are construction paper, crayons, pastels, markers, etc etc. Oh no, we have to get creative! NOT my forte! This must have been the part that I missed at the beginning, and now I'm a little panicked. I'm not artistically creative and am not looking forward to the next part, however I am willing to leave my comfort zone at the door and dutifully follow the instructions we are given, which is to grab whatever colours we need and go and draw what we saw in our minds eye. We have to draw our Mandala. I grab black, purple and green. I don't know what came over me, but I just simply went and sat down and started drawing. I'm amazed at how easy I found it and I'm also amazed that never once did I look around at what others were doing. I just started drawing.

Here is my Mandala.


















A bit of background; a Mandala is sanskrit for "circle" or "completion," and is of Hindu origin, but is also used in other Dharmic religions, such as Buddhism. Its symbolic nature can help one "to access progressively deeper levels of the unconscious, ultimately assisting the meditator to experience a mystical sense of oneness with the ultimate unity from which the cosmos in all its manifold forms arises." The psychoanalyst Carl Jung saw the mandala as "a representation of the unconscious self," and believed his paintings of mandalas enabled him to identify emotional disorders and work towards wholeness in personality. I've explained that last part as you'll need to understand that for what I'm about to share with you about my personal mandala.



We were then told to look at our Mandala's and write down words that came to mind when we looked at it, but were instructed to not think too deeply about it, just to put the words down. After that exercise, next to the words you've written, write a descriptive word. Here are my words and descriptions:

Dark - Night
Ethereal - Floating
Blurry - Vision
Cloudy - Sky
Spirit - Ghost - Booze
Black - Cat
Orb - Circle - Energy
Bubble - Pop
Grey - Milo - Weather
Moody - Dark - Black

Next we are to write a poem using the words we've just written down. This is not difficult for me so I simply write the poem using the words chronologically. We are then instructed to grab some tape and post our drawings on the wall. We are then going to go around the room and share what our Mandala's mean to us. This is pretty comical for me as I tape up my Mandala and this is where I see other people's drawings. Okay, I've obviously done this wrong and am now completely embarrassed by what I've drawn! Everyone else's is all sunshine and roses, with bright beautiful colours and drawings of family and unity and just really cheerful with vibrant colours. Scroll back up and take another look at mine!! Not quite cheery, is it? The truly comical part is that I'm one of the first to finish my poem and join the circle, so I've already posted my Mandala and as everyone else is coming to post theirs, I notice that mine is higher and to the right of everyone else's. No one wants their picture next to mine, ha ha! We were supposed to get the next portion of the class videotaped for some documentary on the conference, but we collectively decided that we didn't want the camera crew around for our sharing session, and I think in hindsight thank goodness we spoke up about this. This next portion is one that I'll never forget and in no way would've happened with cameras present. We start at one end of the semi-circle. The lady gets up and point to her Mandala on the wall and tells us a bit about it. She decides whether to share her poem or not. Some women do and some don't. We go through a few people and stop on one lady. She shares about her Mandala, and also tells us she doesn't have a poem but she has a song that is in her mind. She seems scared and emotional and it was sobering experience for us all. The instructor asks her what song and she states "You are my Sunshine." The instructor asks her if she wants to sing it and she I think is too embarrassed to break out in song in front of all these strangers. So the instructor starts us off. Now, this may seem like the most absolute hokiest thing in the world, and this is truly what I'm thinking in this room as well, but also simultaneously thinking that this may just be the most moving exercise I have ever been a part of! There is no longer a dry eye in the room, we're all digging our hands into the tissue box and passing it around laughing in spite of each other, while wiping our dripping faces. We continue around the circle and I'm listening to everyone share their stories of their Mandala's. I'm starting to panic as I truly have no idea what to say about mine! I didn't visualize family, friends, life; I only saw this orb pulsing in and out. What on earth do I say about it?! I'm at a loss as to why this is my drawing, but it has to be for a reason right? Why did I draw this? That is when I look back up at my drawing and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I know what it is! I know what I've drawn. My whole world seemed to rotate right then at that moment of realization and enlightenment. We are now only 2 people away from my turn to share, and I don't think I'll be able to get through what I just realized. I have drawn a blank and I'm pretty sure I must be as white as a sheet at this moment. We now get to me. I'm silent for a second. I don't get up. I simply point at my black sheep dark and gloomy drawing up in the right-hand corner. I state that the bleak and morose picture is mine, to which people laugh. I tell the room that I'm not an overly bleak person although you wouldn't get that from what I've drawn! I explain to them that just 10 seconds before this moment I realized what it is I've drawn. I start to explain to this room full of ladies that I am 29 and just diagnosed a few months ago. I tell them that I'm not angry about my diagnosis, I'm angry at what almost happened to me surrounding my diagnosis. I share about going for a mammogram and having a receptionist try and turn me away as it doesn't have to be said that I'm obviously way too young to have cancer. I tell them that that is where my resentment lies and where I funnel most of my negative energy. I tell them that I just realized that if you just simply turn my Mandala counter clockwise, I'm pretty sure I've drawn my mammogram. The room gasps. They see it too. That is the xray of my right breast and one that many others in this room have seen of themselves. That is what it looked like and it is so obvious to me that I have no idea how I didn't see it right away. Only that right now in this room of survivors, I have decided that now is the time to break down. I'm crying and so is pretty much everyone else. I get it together to read my poem, which goes like this:

It was a dark night
but I didn't take flight
The feeling was ethereal
I was floating but I just couldn't feel
My vision was blurry
but there is no hurry
The cloudy sky
was like ghosts floating through the night
My spirits were up
as I thought of Milo, my adorable grey pup
The energy was a circle; an orb
A bubble that couldn't be popped
It looked dark and black
yet the orb grew back
There's a sense of peace
I've allowed myself this release

There was some silence after my turn was over, some sniffling and some tears. I get this a lot with my age being what it is. I didn't know what to say and I just sat in this room and absorbed the strength from the women around me. It was my turn to allow others to support me, which I did and it felt right. I was able to gain composure, until of course Tracy gets up and talks about her son and what her Mandala means to her and her family. Thanks Tracy, I almost made it through the 2nd half! :)

I left this workshop a different person I think than when I went in, and I'll never forget that experience. I have reflected on it and have tried to bring my angers and fears about what almost was in that mammogram office and have decided to turn that experience into a positive one. I went in to look at the films again early this week, and I got the name of the doctor that owns that office. Can you believe these offices are privately owned by Doctors? And I did find out the reason that office doesn't do mammograms on women under 30 is because of dense breast tissue! I will do something about this and I'm glad to have made the first step of getting the owners name/number. I will get stronger and then I will decide what to do about that situation. Don't know what yet, but rest assured it will be something positive.

The conference ended later Sunday afternoon with more tears, more hugs and a lot of exchanging information. I made a lot of great contacts not only professionally but friendships that only having something like cancer can bring around so openly and deeply. I have met sisters that I can lean on when needed and can offer my support to as well. I met people who have influenced my life and I'd like to think that some feel the same way about me. It was a truly awe-inspiring weekend and I am so glad and so proud of myself that I did it and that I started the weekend alone, although 'alone' is certainly not the way it ended for me.

Workshops that I can finally relate to!

After the anti climatic meeting of Dr. Marla, it was on to my next workshop. I knew it couldn't possibly be worse than the one from yesterday, and this one sounded more interesting. It was called 'Managing Your Cancer Journey: An Empowerment Course for Breast Cancer Survivors.' I really enjoyed this one, even though it was another emotional roller coaster. We were taken through a visualization exercise that almost knocked me off my chair. I was instructed to close my eyes, I listened to the speaker telling us to visualize a version of the person we see ourselves as in 2 years. Actually see the person you are to be. What does she look like? What's her name? What is she doing?

I was actually able to do this. I saw her. Me. The version of me 2 years from now. She was beautiful! She looked great physically which put me instantly at ease as it means that I finally do take care of myself and it obviously showed. She looked like she was enjoying life, I'm not sure how else to describe the look she had on her face. She just looked to be happy to be there, which was just in the hall of the convention area I was currently in at the hotel. Was she expecting me? Is she here because she remembers this meeting? She turns to face me expectantly and is now walking towards me. Quite a presence about her. (She walked with flair and confidence. What a sexy bee otch. Okay, Shawn just got in front of my computer when I left the room and the italics are his addition, lol!) She exuded a silent confidence and was looking right at me, as if expecting to see me standing there. She had an extremely peaceful look on her face. Not actually a smile, but a pleasant expression. It was her eyes that caught the breath in my chest. There was a light that you could see and all the emotions and struggles and victories this woman had faced were evident if you just looked in her eyes. She looked happy. When she got to me she had a little bit of a smirk. I didn't ask her about it as I didn't have to; she is after all still me. I knew she was smirking as she already knew what was going on in my head at that moment; utter disbelief and awe. I could hear the instructor tell us to ask your future self her name. My future self looked at me like that was a stupid question and simply stated, I'm you. We were told to ask what kind of wisdom our future self had for us. My future self replied: After you get through this treatment period in your life you will do what you need to do to get healthy. You will stop poisoning your body and stop jeopardizing your future and you will utilize the skills and knowledge you now have to every day better yourself one breath and one step at a time. I knew right then that she was right; she was obviously speaking from experience. She valued happiness, she knew that I was scared and disappointed with who I am but I now know I can and will change. I now have the knowledge that I've empowered myself to be better.
I must thank my future self. She made it easy for me to see that as hard as I am on myself today about not getting off the couch and still give in to my cravings, I'm still going through something very difficult, and right now, coping is the most important thing for me to get through. I will start my health journey once I get through this medicated and extremely trying period in my life. I will be able to lower my chance of recurrence by approx 30% with a healthy body weight and eating healthy. So I will do that, I'm not a masochist! I also know that I am okay to wait until my treatment is over to go full force. Don't get me wrong, I walk my dog, I get out of the house, I don't just sit around eating chips and processed food. I do cook for myself, I do eat greens and whole wheat pasta and rice etc and probiotic yogurt etc., but I know I can do better and I will. I've seen the results with my future self so the writing is already on the wall.
I liked this class. I didn't realize I could be so visual on command and this really helped me. After the visualization, we were to share our experience with a partner, but I found that hard to do. I was getting emotional about it and didn't really want to talk about it, so my partner shared her visualization first. I did share some of mine, but not all of it. The important thing was what I got out of it, not necessarily sharing it with a partner, so I did this sparingly.
After this class I was off to lunch, then to my next workshop on meditation. I really liked this class too! Tracy and I attended this together (we were a bit late as we were goofing around a bit after lunch) but this was an awesome class too! I've done meditation classes before, but I've always found it difficult to concentrate as my mind tends to wander and I end up spending the whole time thinking about not thinking. This class was different. It taught you to concentrate on everything going on around you, accept that you are thinking about it for a reason and move on. It teaches you to stay in the now, concentrate on your breathing, but also allow your mind to take in the sounds around you, not to block them out. I liked this way of meditating much better and easier to do and I felt so relaxed by the end of this class!
After being able to visualize myself and get some great advice and see that I looked great and happy in the future and then being able to clear my mind and have that period of relaxation, I'm loving this conference and this day of workshops and am now more than ready for the rest of my weekend adventure.

The BIG Meeting: Dr. Marla's in the House!!!

After the fashion show, I went over to Carm's and stayed the night. I had to be up early for my next day of workshops and speakers and networking so Carm and I made plans to hang out on the Friday, which we did (with more wine). I didn't really talk too much to her about my day as I still hadn't even processed it myself, and right then I wanted to just hang out with my girlfriend, not go through what I'd just experienced. I needed to reflect internally before I could do that, which is why I'm writing it down. This blog is what I consider my internal reflection, even though you guys get to gain insight by reading this. We woke up at the crack of dawn, as usual. I love when Carm sleeps over or I sleep over at her place as we're both early risers regardless of the day, and we're also both at the same mental speed first thing in the morning. I say mental speed as I can't put myself on Carm's level as far as physical energy in the morning. I mean, I wake up and my mind races, but then I sit on the couch waiting for my coffee maker to brew and I debate on whether I'm taking Milo to the dog park for a really good walk, or simply over to the field for a quick run (him I mean, not me obviously). Carm on the other hand has legs that actually move as well as her brain, and if she's not teaching a class, she's heading to the gym for a workout or going for a run as she's training for marathon or tri or an upcoming mountain climb; you get the picture. So unlike waking up with Shawn who is every day like a bear waking after a season's hibernation and can only formulate one word answers on weekends until about 1pm, Carm and I can speed-talk away. I was lying in bed and Carm was on her computer, and before I had even opened my eyes yet, I'm telling her that I'm going to take her Dr. Marla book to the conference and get it signed for her. She turns around looking at me laughing, saying, 'where did that come from, are you still dreaming?' I'm like that in the morning though, my mind races before my eyes open. This has always been the way for me and yes it's annoying (for Shawn) but it's how I operate. I spring out of bed, we dance around to some tunes, get showered and ready and talk some more and both are out of the house by 7am.
I get to the conference and I'm a little foggy still (due to wine and going to bed about 5 hours ago) but I grab some coffee, some muesli and some fruit and go and sit at a table that is unoccupied. I am looking over the programs that are on the table, and I realize that Dr. Marla Shapiro will be speaking this morning. I'm pretty excited about this as you know. But first we're going to listen to a welcome address, and some other people (like heads of organizations regarding breast cancer). The seats at my table are being occupied, and I don't see the girls from last night, but I've now engaged in conversation with some more ladies and am in good spirits. The girl sitting next to me is asking me a lot of questions and she looks younger than me, but is actually 35 years old. Then to the stage walks the girl with the body paint from last nights fashion show. I'm all ears. She recounted her story, talked about having a lumpectomy and didn't have to go through treatment thankfully and she relayed her story in such a way that I was listening and very affected. I like her and if she wasn't in British Columbia, I'd approach her and want to know more and pretty much make her my friend. She's seems cool and again, is only a few years older than me. Anyway, after her, Dr. Marla gets announced and to the stage she walks. She talked just as she did in her book (and her book cover doesn't do her justice, she looks much younger and way prettier in person!) and I am again reliving her personal story just as I did when I read her book. Tears were streaming down my face all throughout her recounts, and the people at my table had obviously not yet read her book as they weren't crying before the story was relayed as they didn't know what would be coming next in her speech like I did. Her words were more inspiring in person I think, and I'm happy that I've brought Carm's copy of the book to have signed for her. I think the message that her book is not just for breast cancer survivors is important and I'm glad I'm going to get to tell Dr. Marla that the book is not for me, it's for someone who is on my support team. I'm now thinking I better pull it together as the book signing will be soon and how am I going to manage to say to Dr. Marla what I've come here to say if I'm blubbering? I will not embarrass myself that way, so now all thought is going into creating and rehearsing this quick speech I'll have to give her as she's signing Carm's book. There were other speakers (including one from a semi-famous Canadian Journalist Libby Znaimer) but I'm really trying to concentrate on formulating the sentences I came here to say. My internal speech goes something like this:
"Hi, Dr. Marla, I don't want to tell you that you've been an inspiration to me as I think you'd roll your eyes internally at that, but what I do want to say is that I stubbornly didn't pick up one of the many copies of your book I've received since my diagnosis as I really didn't believe you'd be able to offer me any insight. I thought I had everything figured out that needed to be and I wasn't at a point of reaching out and relating to others. However, I had a low point and I picked up your book. What I want to say is that I read it cover to cover in one day, and for that one day, you made my having cancer easier for me. I've received now multiple signed copies of your book from my friends, so I'd like you to sign this one for my friend Carmen who is not a cancer survivor but is still getting inspiration from your book."
I practiced it while waiting in line and seeing her look up and smile at everyone, and the lump in my throat was so huge, but I was determined to say something she'd remember or at least smile at.

Here is what came out:
"It's not for me, it's for my friend Carm. I have a bunch of signed copies of your book so I wanted to have you sign it for someone who supports me."

That's it. That's all I had. How sarcastic did that come across? I made it sound like I'm so bored of her book that I'm just doing it for someone else instead. Good grief, she didn't even look at me!!! She checked out my name tag and said 'Kelly' as she looked back down at the book I handed her as I was saying "It's not for me..." She signed the book and then one of the organizer's came over to her and was whispering in her ear so she was distracted and looking over me, never once at me. I just took the book and walked away. I can only laugh at this. Who am I to have an opinion on this act of indifference? I'm brutal when it comes to looking at people I don't know in the eye (why is that?) and I'm pretty blase to most that aren't my friends, so I can't possibly allow myself to be so hypocritical to form an opinion on her brief actions. They weren't bad, it certainly wasn't her fault that I'm a tool and couldn't say anything even remotely of interest! But there it is, my extremely anti-climatic 'meeting' of Dr. Marla Shapiro. Anyway, I'll bet I'll meet her again one day through one of my many future events so I'm picturing us having a good laugh about it in the future and me telling the story to a group of women who've experienced breast cancer about how I first came across Dr. Marla's name and she'll be out in the crowd laughing at how hilarious I am because at this point we'll be good friends. This fantasy is easier to think about than the reality behind me blowing it, so I'm sticking with those thoughts. I can't help that I'm much more eloquent on paper than I am in person; what do you do?

The Most Powerful of Emotions yet

The reception was outside the room where we were to have dinner in. I had decided to attend this conference alone even though many of my friends as well as family members had offered to come with me. I wanted to experience this by myself as I wanted to be able to choose whether to be anonymous or vocal, and decide to cry and share emotions if I felt like it or not. I didn’t feel that I’d be able to do this as honestly if I had someone with me and I also knew that I’d never talk to anyone else if I had a familiar face by my side. That would defeat the purpose of this weekend to me, so I decided I’d be on my own. I'm standing outside the hall we’d be having dinner in and looking at all the people who were paired off or in big groups while I was standing there pretending to be preoccupied with the reading materials I held in one hand (the other hand housing a big glass of Chardonnay) that I had just a minute before grabbed so that I could in fact pretend to be preoccupied. I realized that maybe being on my own was a bad idea. Everyone but me seemed to be talking to other people. Now, don’t get me wrong, I could very well have been talking to people by this time, however, let’s remember who we’re talking about; Miss Unapproachable. Some people have that look that says ‘I’m open to conversation’, where I just don’t and can't seem to even drum up a look close to that. How do I re-hardwire myself to have this? When someone would glance at me expectantly, I would simply give a half smile and immediately redirect my gaze while losing the smile. Even when I’m trying to be cognizant of this and not do it I still do it. So here is my penance for such an attitude. I’m standing in a sea of people with no one to speak to. There is one other girl also pretending to be distracted by the exhibits while holding a pint of beer. A few times I glance at her to see if she’s going to look over at me, and I tell myself that I WILL put a smile and an ‘approach me!’ look on my face if she does at any point make eye contact, but of course she doesn’t and I probably would’ve looked away had she anyway. Now we’re being funnelled in to the hall for dinner so that awkward time is finished, thank goodness. This is a big room and it’s just now that I realize my next hurdle will be where on earth to plant my ass for dinner. Again, everyone has already seemed to connect with people and here I am walking around by myself while trying to give off the ‘this is on purpose’ vibe, and realize that I will have to ask someone if it’s okay to sit at their table. Mortifying concept to me as I’m normally in the position where someone else has to ask me that, and yet here I stand. I pass by all the tables up front by the stage as they are all too animated and full of groups of lively people, and continue to the back where I see a woman sitting at a table by herself. I ask, can I sit here? She nods appreciatively and I take a seat but don't even engage her in conversation although I'm appreciative to have finally anchored myself somewhere. I start to relax as I finally have a place to look around and take it all in without the distraction of worrying about who is forming an opinion on the loser-by-herself. As I look around this room, I still feel out of place. Most of these women are still much older than me (including the woman seated at the other side of the table), even though this is the Young Women’s Conference. I watch the pint of beer girl from earlier make her way towards my table. She must be around my age, but she is actually with 3 other girls also around my age, so she wasn’t looking for someone to talk to earlier, she had simply been waiting for the people she knew. I’m back to being the only loner in the room, lucky me. I guess as people have travelled from other places they’ve met up with people either on a bus or a plane or have car pooled or have been roomed with someone or have made friends from the first workshop etc etc. Anyway, they stop at the table next to mine and I hear them ask if they can sit (I'm studiously looking over my 'no fish or seafood' card), and at the same time a lady is asking me if the seat next to me is taken. I say of course not, please sit down in my friendliest of voices. Then as I look to my right, the group of four cool-looking chicks is now taking up the seats at my table, just to my right. Not sure what happened at other table. I guess all the seats were taken, which worked out just perfectly for me! I start to perk up. Joining us to complete the circle were one lady from Quebec and another local. This table is actually quite a rockin’ table and I’m right in there talking away and sharing stories and getting more wine and relating to these girls. The pint girl is actually named Tracy and she and I seem to be the only 2 bald chicks at this conference. There are a lot of wigs but not a lot of scalps. I did wear my wig to the workshop but when I went to my car to grab my laptop before dinner I chucked it in the back seat. In this room if I can’t be myself then I’m in trouble! Tracy just finished her last chemo treatment last week and is talking about her adorable son (I later saw pics and he is so cute!) and some of the other women with kids start to chat about the family aspect of diagnosis. Katie, who is directly to my right, is sharing her story with me and asking me all these questions that only another ‘survivor’ could formulate and her and I are chatting away amicably and even though I have no answers for her as I'm so uneducated with cancer-lingo, I’m by now in my element. By the time the main course has come, we’re all joking around and talking over each other and having a great old time sharing war stories and some of the funnier elements of a cancer diagnosis. Finally I can make my wise cracks and have people actually laugh at my cancer humour as opposed to reacting with sympathy or looking at me like I’ve got 3 heads for saying such awful things! I finally hear “you think that’s bad, listen to this!” comments. They were so welcomed, believe me!
The meal was great, and we’ve had dessert (and more wine) and are now watching this lady that has brought up on stage a single chair. The after dinner entertainment was a woman named Nancy and she does a monologue regarding a cancer diagnosis but she does it as many different characters. Katie and I both found her hilarious and are literally crying we are laughing so hard. I snorted a few times I’m afraid; it was hilarious, honestly! Finally hearing that I’m not the only person in the world that laughs at herself in spite of cancer was such a great feeling. And the jokes about other people’s reactions to you having cancer were bang on too. The whole crowd is laughing which further validates that I am not alone in my way of thinking.
I am enjoying this night so much. The next part would prove to be the clincher though. The fashion show. I got chills just writing those words as I know what is about to come in this post.
So, we’re now all turned eagerly toward the stage awaiting the night’s entertainment; the big fashion show. This is comprised of all breast cancer survivors and they are modeling not only different outfits, but hats and bra’s and bikinis and body paint and skin. There is a runway and to either side of the runway were two big screens. Before taking to the runway, the model poses for a second behind this curtain so that all you see is her silhouette. As she stands behind the curtain, on the 2 screens comes her story in her words, talking about type of cancer, age, etc. The music crescendos as she is standing there and as she walks out, on the screen is her message or reflection on what having cancer has meant to her. It is all positive and most talk about not allowing cancer to invade their lives. They are dragon boaters and people that exercised all throughout chemo and mothers and daughters etc etc. I realize that as strong as I may think I am, I cannot even put myself in a category close to these beautiful warriors. I am unable to hold any type of composure during this show. I don’t care to either. I am crying out loud and cheering as loud as I can and clapping and whistling and just exuding every possible emotion there is, along with the other 200 people in the room. These women, I mean, what can I say?! You wanna talk strength? Try walking out on this runway, being a cancer survivor, not a model, and walking out from behind that curtain to face strangers and you’re wearing a beautiful one-shouldered dress while the other shoulder is decorated in body paint, with a string of daisies painted not only over your shoulder, but over your mastectomy scar. That’s right. These women got on stage with their surgery scar fully exposed but not really obvious as it is covered up by paint. Talk about courage! Talk about true strength and adversity! To be able to do that to me is pure courage and strength and a BIG F.U. to cancer in my eyes. I can’t even begin to describe the awe I am in after watching these women take the stage. Behind the curtain now stands 4 women; they look to be varied in age from child to adult. You can tell there is a bride behind there. On the screen comes the story of a woman who has dealt with 3 diagnoses of cancer and has 3 daughters varied in age from child to teenager. It talks of worrying about her daughters futures not only as there is a huge liklihood that they will also have to face this disease, but it also talks about her wish to be there when her daughter's walk down the aisle. Out from behind the curtain then comes a young flower girl, the runway acting as a chapel aisle. Next is a girl slightly older acting as a bridesmaid. Then curtain lifts just as the screen is finishing her story to reveal two women facing each other. One is the mother and the bride is actually her 14 year old daughter dressed up as a bride, complete with veil and flowers. She gets to today walk this young girl down the aisle. The unwritten message is clear: she may not be able to do this on the actual day of her daughters wedding but she can do this right now and that is what she does. I can’t even contain myself writing it so imagine how I was actually witnessing this! And sitting at a table of young mothers who I know for certain are picturing their own daughters and their own fates. I’m not a mother so this is where I think of my mum and wonder how often she thinks of her chances of watching me carry out this dream and whether we’ll all be able to get to that moment in our own lives. This is pretty much the most emotional experience I have ever been a part of and as hard as it is to go through it, I am so very thankful I chose to stay. Up next comes my favourite part of the night; she’s a girl, not much older than me. She is behind the curtain while her inspiring story of adversity comes up; she walks slowly down the stage with a wrap on that she holds tightly to her body. As she gets to the end of the runway, at the peak of the song, she whips her robe to the floor with her head held high and is completely topless, with both her boobs exposed! Only body paint drawn to resemble armour is evident. When she turns around she has wings drawn on her back. I decide right then and there that I want to do that. I want to be able to one day get on stage and whip off my top like that and expose only body paint. I want to experience that kind of strength of will and self confidence one day. I never ever in my life have had the urge to appear topless in front of anyone, so this is a huge paradigm shift in my personal reflection. I want to host a fashion show like this in the future and have the proceeds go to breast cancer. This will be one of my many future efforts, trust me. That show may even end in me getting topless, so I’ll keep you posted with a date and address. Keep a Friday night in 2009 open for it until further notice (it'll take that long to get the body I'll need to carry out this newfound dream). I will never forget this show. It’s my first fashion show and it left me hungry for more. I can’t help but look up to these woman and cherish their stories, and I can’t help but yearn to be a part of something like that in the future.

I will, believe me.


2008 Weekend to End Breast Cancer fundraising

To make a donation to my walk, go to: http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?px=2411404&pg=personal&fr_id=1254
To join my team, go to: http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?team_id=56176&pg=team&fr_id=1254

Naturopathy and Me: Oil and Water

I went to the conference after having lunch with my dad. My first workshop was scheduled for 3pm. I signed up for the workshop titled: The Naturopathic Protocol and Self Drainage Massage. I decided to finally learn what all the fuss was about as so many people tell me I should look into it. I can now at the very least say I have looked into it and am now informed on why I'll never be able to participate in this way of life. I'm sorry but I find it pretty ridiculous. First of all, the speaker kept referring to the prevention of breast cancer, which pissed me off. I'm guessing she meant preventing the recurrence of breast cancer, but she didn't say that and I could tell that there were others in the room full of people who are past the point of 'prevention' that were equally quizzical (skeptical) about this. We started with a massage, and basically it's just rubbing yourself gently around the lymph nodes to foster stimulation and this one I'm sharing so you can have the visual, but we all grab our breasts and jiggle them while tilting our heads and arch our back. Apparently this flushes fluid or something, I dunno.
Next comes the handout titled Breast Health Balance Sheet. Ha ha, these sheets are great. Basically a few sheets that have two columns; one called risk factors and the other is protective factors. There are also a few headings. I share some of these along with my thoughts.
First, there are the obvious ones (diet, exercise, genes) so it wasn't all ridiculous, I do want to say that as I know some people are devout followers of naturopathic medicine and I'm not questioning the science or the benefits physically/emotionally behind it. I question a persons ability to actually practice it in the truest sense. I'll give you some risk factors that can increase your risk of getting cancer so here goes:

No Children, or having children after you're 30
Not breast-feeding
Aging
some types or Anti-cancer drugs (yup, that's right)
mercury fillings (you should get these changed to ceramic)
root canals
Breast Implants (reconstruction after surgery wasn't addressed)
Hair dyes
Tight-fitting bra (mastectomy bras are supposed to fit tight)
Sleeping with a light on at night
Early age when you got your period
Flying frequently
Exposure to radiation (no cooking ever in a microwave and never use a cell phone and stay away from computers and all devices)
Sleeping within 2 1/2 ft of electrical devices (TVs, radio, alarm clock etc.)
Live in industrialized area
Exposure to gas stations
Use an electric blanket
Use of chemicals or industrial cleaners
Use plastics (???)
Eat meat weekly
Use dairy products
Eat sweets, sugar
Drink Coffee
East mostly cooked food
High salt intake
Feel alienation
Deny, bury repress on hold on to anger
Stress and inability to relax
Lack of a sense of purpose
Lack of joy
Loss of faith
Foiled creative fire
Ignoring your intuition

Okay, you scared? Confused? Imagine how I felt in this room with this hand out while the speaker is simply listing these off. By the way, I've listed about 15% of the actual list which was 3 pages front and back. I'm not even going to list the preventative column as it's just as realistic as the risk factors column (examples quickly of how to prevent cancer are laughing, creative expression, use all natural drugs instead of any chemicals, never eat food stored in plastic, use anti-aging supplements, use seaweeds for thyroid issues, avoid alcohol, go braless, eat all organic, have more than one baby, have 2 or more bowel movements a day, do a parasite cleanse, eat 50-85% raw food, take relaxation breaks, express your grief, go to a spiritual counseling, develop a meaningful life)

Okay, so there you go, get out there and start your life of avoidance and paranoia. Don't go near anywhere that uses chemicals, don't ingest anything that has been stored in plastic and let's stop here for a sec. We finally have some activity in the room on this point. The question is to please name some products that are not stored in plastic. One lady states she actually does eat ALL organic, yet points out that everything she buys is still stored in plastic. The speaker says yeah, yeah, uh huh, nods, her head, says its a challenge, and moves on. Priceless.

Next we talk about drinking water and how that, along with 15 cups of organic green tea a day (if it's not organic than pesticides are used therefore non-organic green tea is bad for you) is what you should ingest as far as liquid. Oh, but don't buy water as it's stored in plastic and plastic seeps into your food and drink. Some are worse than others and I don't remember what components are worse but just don't drink bottled water, unless it comes in glass, which none does. You can use a filter so long as it's stainless steel. None are. Don't use a Brita as it's a plastic jug. Sleep in the complete dark as being exposed to light while your melatonin levels are up in the middle of the night can increase your risk of getting cancer. However, you can reset your menstrual cycle by sleeping with the moonlight on you. Really? Really?

I'll stop there as you get the picture. I'm not meaning to bash Naturopathy. I agree that we as people are meant to live closer to nature than we do. We are to mimic the way of the plant to be completely healthy and is your best defense against many many diseases, but moving away from every modern convenience (but don't move to a farm as that too can increase your risk of getting cancer) is impractical. I think what she told us in that class was especially ridiculous as she didn't answer any of the real questions that came up. She pointed out that it would be hard to live without ingesting anything stored in plastic and we should write letters to our MPs on the topic to get packaging changed to not use plastic. Then she'd move on to keep reading her list of risks and preventions. I could hardly contain myself in the back row. I kept trying to look around to see if I had anyone along with me that were obviously in the wrong room, but all I could see were the backs of heads.

At the end of this almost 2 hour seminar that I found irrelevant to living in our modern world, I had a break to walk around and look at exhibits (not too much of interest in all honesty) and then I had about another hour and a bit before the reception would start. I was already bored and fed up. I had gone through the exhibits in about 10 minutes and had nothing else to do. Most people attending the conference were from out of area so they were staying at the hotel. I debated just going home and calling it a day. All I could do was sit around the lobby and chat on my phone and read through my pamphlets, which I did. I bitched to some of my friends and Shawn about how bored I was and I may not choose to stay for the whole weekend of events as so far I wasn't all that impressed.

That was about to all change.

2008 Weekend to End Breast Cancer fundraising

To make a donation to my walk, go to: http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?px=2411404&pg=personal&fr_id=1254

To join my team, go to: http://www.endcancer.ca/site/TR/Events/Toronto2008?team_id=56176&pg=team&fr_id=1254