Yah, that's right, I kicked cancers ass...

I'm finally done. Done with treatment, done with recovery, done with cancer. This morning, when I walked out of that hospital after my last treatment, and got to the car, I for the first time felt like I had survived it. I don't think I've allowed myself to think much about that concept before. Any time those thoughts crept in, I pushed them out with realities like I hadn't finished treatment yet so I couldn't allow myself to think that I had survived anything yet.

But that's not really true is it? I found cancer, and survived my diagnosis, and then had cancer removed and survived that surgery as well as the mind set it takes to carry on after something as supposedly devastating as losing your breast. But I plowed on, didn't I? Right on to chemotherapy. I survived that too and now realize the accomplishment that that truly was. I not only survived but I would say thrived. Then on to radiation. I didn't even want to give this the energy it was requesting. I wanted to barrel through it and that's exactly what I did. And now that is done too, and yes, another treatment survived. I know that everyone is very proud of me, but I can now finally say I share the sentiment wholeheartedly.

I am SO proud of myself! I did exactly what I said I'd do, which was kick cancers ass. Of course there was never any doubt, but I can only now say that I did it, past tense, not 'gonna do it', present tense. It's behind me. Sure, I have follow up appointments for the rest of my life, I have a high risk of recurrence as well, especially in the next 5 years (the recurrence statistic drops a bit after that time). But I'm not letting that mean anything more that what it is - a chance possibility; a statistic. It hasn't happened yet so there's no need for me to focus on anything but the fact that I just survived cancer. The way in which I've handled this is a testament to how I was raised by my parents. Just as I credit Shawn's mom for doing such an awesome job as a single mother raising an amazing son, I can and have always said the same about my parent's. I've been able to handle this the way I have due to the values that have and still are instilled in me by my mum and dad. Thanks to them; to me, they're the real heroes. Just as not many 30 year olds have to go through this, not many couples in their fifties have to deal with their children going through this. Talk about feeling powerless, I can't even imagine so what they've accomplished is nothing short of amazing either.

And how about Shawn? How many 31 year olds deal with their partners enduring this? Has it been harder on me or him? I'm still not sure. But as I walked out of that treatment room today, there he was, flowers and card in hand ready to throw his arms around me and congratulate me and share that moment with me. I have never (before Shawn) felt or given that kind of love before, so I can't really say anything substantial here to thank Shawn. I can only promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy. That's the only gift there is for what he's given me.

I hope that if and when something as ugly as cancer affects any of you or the people close to you, that you are able to recollect my journey and how I've looked at my situation and are able to gain even a little insight into what is to come, and you're able to be better prepared for that; that is my wish with writing this and making it public and I do feel that I've expressed myself to the very best of my ability. I am looking forward to the next portion of my life,which is recovery and getting back into shape. I'm not hard on myself about that anymore. I know I'll achieve my goals there too, I just proved that to myself by the way I handled radiation. I'm looking forward to seeing my reflection in the mirror and sharing that knowing glance that has seen all the hardships and victories and obstacles and battles and still keeps going with an ambitious and positive attitude.

I am a warrior and I have accomplished something extremely rewarding and challenging. I have a much better understanding of who I am as a person, and who I've surrounded myself with. I am now going to spend the day with my amazing boyfriend, let out some emotions, take a deep breath, and start tomorrow with a fresh start.

One I am so very thankful to have been given.

k.