I'm finally done. Done with treatment, done with recovery, done with cancer. This morning, when I walked out of that hospital after my last treatment, and got to the car, I for the first time felt like I had survived it. I don't think I've allowed myself to think much about that concept before. Any time those thoughts crept in, I pushed them out with realities like I hadn't finished treatment yet so I couldn't allow myself to think that I had survived anything yet.
But that's not really true is it? I found cancer, and survived my diagnosis, and then had cancer removed and survived that surgery as well as the mind set it takes to carry on after something as supposedly devastating as losing your breast. But I plowed on, didn't I? Right on to chemotherapy. I survived that too and now realize the accomplishment that that truly was. I not only survived but I would say thrived. Then on to radiation. I didn't even want to give this the energy it was requesting. I wanted to barrel through it and that's exactly what I did. And now that is done too, and yes, another treatment survived. I know that everyone is very proud of me, but I can now finally say I share the sentiment wholeheartedly.
I am SO proud of myself! I did exactly what I said I'd do, which was kick cancers ass. Of course there was never any doubt, but I can only now say that I did it, past tense, not 'gonna do it', present tense. It's behind me. Sure, I have follow up appointments for the rest of my life, I have a high risk of recurrence as well, especially in the next 5 years (the recurrence statistic drops a bit after that time). But I'm not letting that mean anything more that what it is - a chance possibility; a statistic. It hasn't happened yet so there's no need for me to focus on anything but the fact that I just survived cancer. The way in which I've handled this is a testament to how I was raised by my parents. Just as I credit Shawn's mom for doing such an awesome job as a single mother raising an amazing son, I can and have always said the same about my parent's. I've been able to handle this the way I have due to the values that have and still are instilled in me by my mum and dad. Thanks to them; to me, they're the real heroes. Just as not many 30 year olds have to go through this, not many couples in their fifties have to deal with their children going through this. Talk about feeling powerless, I can't even imagine so what they've accomplished is nothing short of amazing either.
And how about Shawn? How many 31 year olds deal with their partners enduring this? Has it been harder on me or him? I'm still not sure. But as I walked out of that treatment room today, there he was, flowers and card in hand ready to throw his arms around me and congratulate me and share that moment with me. I have never (before Shawn) felt or given that kind of love before, so I can't really say anything substantial here to thank Shawn. I can only promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy. That's the only gift there is for what he's given me.
I hope that if and when something as ugly as cancer affects any of you or the people close to you, that you are able to recollect my journey and how I've looked at my situation and are able to gain even a little insight into what is to come, and you're able to be better prepared for that; that is my wish with writing this and making it public and I do feel that I've expressed myself to the very best of my ability. I am looking forward to the next portion of my life,which is recovery and getting back into shape. I'm not hard on myself about that anymore. I know I'll achieve my goals there too, I just proved that to myself by the way I handled radiation. I'm looking forward to seeing my reflection in the mirror and sharing that knowing glance that has seen all the hardships and victories and obstacles and battles and still keeps going with an ambitious and positive attitude.
I am a warrior and I have accomplished something extremely rewarding and challenging. I have a much better understanding of who I am as a person, and who I've surrounded myself with. I am now going to spend the day with my amazing boyfriend, let out some emotions, take a deep breath, and start tomorrow with a fresh start.
One I am so very thankful to have been given.
k.
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16 comments:
Kelly,
I just read your blog, and as I left you a message a very close friend of the family has passed on today. I have so enjoyed reading your blog and hoping that your strength has hit others, I only wish that Donna could have had that chance to Beat cancers ass as well. Good luck to you and your wonderful long future ahead with Shawn.
KELLY!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! its soo good to read that final blog and i give you soo much 'props' for being able to write about your journey and staying so strong and positive throughout! Thanx for all your help and hopefully we can continue to be friends during the rest of our journeys through life!!!! CHEERS....and you have every damn right to party like a ROCK star!
That's awesome kelly. So many people's lives have been affected by this devastating disease. I wish you all the health a happiness in the world.
Hi Kelly,
CONGRATS!!! I am so happy for you and I wish you nothing but sunshine, love and happiness.
Hugs, Amy (Mom to the Four Sisters)
Thanks for kicking canncers ass. That evil bastard had it coming. I'm really really happy for you.
Congratulations!
Michael
Hi Kelly!
Right On and good for you! Cancer doesn't know age, alot of people think it (breast cancer)attacks only the older crowd.. I too was diligent and had a routine colonoscopy November 2006, they found colon cancer and yes, I too FREAKED. Because I did what the Dr. recommended and had this routine test done they found Mr. Evil early and I had surgery immediately and am cancer free.
All the best to you and your fabulous boyfriend, Shawn. Thumbs Up!!
You are truely an amazing and brave person. This was not going to be easy but your determination to kick cancer ass has paid off. Thanks for writing this blog and inspiring others to be strong.All the best!
Hi Kelly, just glanced at your story on citynews.ca (and this blog) and I just want to Wish you Well in your ongoing fight in this incredible Journey you are going through.
I am a Husband of a breastcancer patient from S.brook ..
She was 32 when she got her diagnosis, just before Christmas. We had been dating about 8mo's prior and it was quite a shock and she looks young for her age, and got similar stares and confusion while attending the Cancer centre @ sunnybrook (as to why she was there). She was given less than 2yrs to live and told she can never have children. To make matters worse, none of her familly are here in this country and i was all that she had...which made her feel so alone.
Her breast cancer diagnosis was pretty severe , being metastatic and terminal, and it has been an enormous battle for her (and i) from that day forward. That time was Dec 2004 and now 3 1/2 yrs later, she is still alive, stable and still fighting in her own way. There are ups and downs, as i'm sure you've experienced, but it is fighers like you and her, that keep the faith that there is hope for a better future.
We are now married and living as much a Positive life Experience as possible, travelling lots and eating well, trying to Enjoy as much of life as we can.
We have some 'beef's with the ontario health care minister mind you, mainly about lack of a PET scan machine for her (to better diagnose her spread of cancer), but that's a whole nuther issue.
Good Luck and keep Fighting!
JEFF
Kelly i just read the article on Citynews website and am inspired by your courage. I've read some of your blog as well and you seem very articulate and funny and definitely have a great support system. You are kind to note that cancer affects more than just you and to acknowledge what those around you have gone through too. I'm sure you're parents are very proud as they have raised a smart, strong woman and i'm sure that is why Shawn is so in love with you. I wish you both a lifetime of health and happiness. Thank you for sharing your story.
Bonnie
Kelly,
I just read parts of your blog for the entire morning at work..I had to stop because I was caught crying at least four times today and people are beginning to wonder..
I would like to say that your story and courage is an inspirational story to anyone that reads it, that it is an empowering story about LIFE and how precious it is.!! Thank you.!!
Also, did you ring the bell?? and GET THAT VIPER GIRL!!!
Hello:) My husband forwarded me your article and I have to let you know that you really have a done a great service to everyone that has been affected by cancer, especially to young women with breast cancer. Thank you so much!! I was personally diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 28 in October of 2001 (I just turned 28 in September). I had been going to a high risk clinic at Women's College Hospital seeing Dr. Richard Hassleback (what an awesome doctor!!) because my mom had had breast cancer at the age of 48, which still considered a bit young. (She ended up having it again in the other breast at age 58) I thought "I'm her daughter - I'm at risk. I better look out for myself", even though I was young and my mom was the only person who had had breast cancer in my family. Then one day as I was taking a shower I discovered a lump on my bright breast. I called my sister over to see if she could feel something, and when she did she jumped back with shock. I went to see my doctor, he felt the lump and immediately performed a needle aspiration. In less then a week I got the call at work from Dr. Hassleback and he said it was malignant. I was beside myself. I didn't cry or scream or say very much. There was a colleague near by and I told her and she got me a glass of water. The doctor was able to determine, just from a simple needle aspiration, that my lump was malignant. He told me it was an aggressive type of cancer. Generally cancer tends to be more aggressive in younger people, as you probably already know. I was diagnosed. I remember the date, October 23, 2001. He immediately set an appt for me for a biopsy within the week and then on Nov 8 I had my right breast mastectomy. The surgery went really well. Dr. Lickley, a genius surgeon, performed my surgery. She said that I made the right decision to have my breast removed. I recovered really well. You know how the rest of the story goes, chemo, radiation, and some time for recovery to get some strength and hair back. Through it all I had tons of support from family and friends. I stayed with parents during chemo treatment as my grandma happened to be visiting from Poland and she was amazing. It couldn't have been easy for her to see her grand-daughter go through all this. My parents were strong for me and didn't make a big deal about worrying about me (which I'm sure was really had for them to do). Like any parent whose child goes through a situation like this, they felt guilty. My sister was at her best to be uplifting and normal despite her being scared to death of my situation. I can never say enough about my mother-in-law, who took me to 99% of my chemo sessions. We would talk and gossip to pass the time while I was hooked up to chemo treatments. After each session we'd go out to eat or she'd bring me to her place and cook me delicious healthy meals while I rested. My husband was and has been my pillar. He accepted everything as it came in his peaceful manner and supported every decision I made along the way. He made it easy for me to make the radical decisions I made to beat cancer. His unconditional love and support mean more to me than I can express. Support from family and friends means to world. A little time went by and I decided to get genetically tested. The test came back positive. I had the gene that causes both breast and ovarian cancer. I then made a decision to have my other breast removed. After a little while I asked to be referred to an gynecology surgeon to discuss my ovaries. Somewhere between having my other breast removed and seeing the gynecologist I came across an article on a study that was done on ovarian surgery. This surgery decreased the chance of ovarian cancer. At that point I decided to have one ovary removed and the other lasered (I don't remember what the procedure is called). Basically I would continue to menstruate but would not be able to get pregnant. I had already decided that I didn't want children of my own after I found out I had the breast/ovarian cancer gene. Had I decided to have children of my own the chance of me passing on the gene is pretty high and if they got the gene from me then the chance that it would eventually cause breast/ovarian cancer was pretty high as well. I was not willing to risk it. This is a very personal choice. In October 2008 it will have been 7 years. I'm told that the longer you go without the cancer coming back the weaker the chance of it coming back. As a lot of people, once they've survived cancer, I have changed my diet 360 degrees, exercise regularly, and engaging in relaxing activities to sooth my mind. Once again, thank you so much for sharing your story and providing the platform to allow others to share theirs as well! It means the world to a ton of people! You've got me thinking about starting a meet up group through meetup.com for young people going through breast cancer right now or breast cancer survivors. Cheers!
You are amazing Kelly! My mother-in-law was just told today she has breast cancer. We dont have much information yet. But your blog gives me hope.
Thanks
Kelly,
You've got an amazing attitude...a survivor's attitude. Keep it up and it'll carry you through. You'll have your days when you'll want to scream and curse the world, but then that means you're human. You're amazing!! Again, you've done a great deed for everyone. Humanity sticking together in times like this makes all the difference. You've made all the difference. Cheers!
Hi Kelly, you go girl! I am also a 30 year old breast cancer survivor. I am now 47 and healthy as could be.
Hugs!
Hello Kelly,
We have a mutual friend Kelly Robinson, who forwarded me your Breast Cancer Walk Link. I found your blog and normally not a very curious person, was intrigued enough to spend the last 2hrs of my life reading your blog from beginning to end! I am so inspired by not only your inner strength, but your incredible spirit. It's my hope that you continue to have the great success in life that you seem destined to capture. All the best to yourself, Shawn (who sounds like a great person), and your families and friends. Thank Kelly for asking me to sponsor you guys!
Good luck in the walk, and I hope you have great weather for it!
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